Clinical Social Worker and Certified Grief Therapist

Any adult struggling to make sense of the losses, both natural and violent, all around us is also struggling to help children make sense of tragedy in our world today. Our natural inclination is to protect the children from the brutal realities of life in modern America but how can we? It is a nightly fixture on our TV sets, a daily exposure in our communities and worse, a personal experience at home or at school.

In almost every home in America there has been loss of some kind. No-one needs to die for there to be grief, because any change produces loss. Divorce, death of a parent or grandparent, a pet's death, a serious illness, job loss or losing a home for some reason are clearly major loss events and there will be expected grief. Smaller but no less significant losses can be a childhood illness, a disability, a best friend moves away, not making the team and so on. Adults have few guidelines for themselves in grieving, after all, there is no high school class on "How to Help Yourself Grieve" and "Guide to Grieving for Dummies" has yet to make the bestseller list! So how can we adults cope with our own grief and yet be appropriately responsive to children as well?

First, help yourself! Even if what has happened is not personal to you, your child is hurting and so you are probably hurting for him or her.

Let him or her know that you care and are willing to deal openly with what has happened. Children need clear and honest information, appropriate to their grade level.

Recognize the symptoms of grief and loss and how they might manifest in a child or adolescent.

Teachers can be your best support. Make sure the school knows what has happened and keep the communication open.

· Recognize there is no "Right Way" to grieve… Men, women and children all have different coping styles and so will grieve in a way that works for them. Teens are going to have different coping skills than a small child. A pre-schooler will have a very different understanding and experience of grief than a nine year old. Parents can help by encouraging and giving permission to their children to grieve in a way that is "right" for the child. Try not to impose adult expectations on children.

· Time does not heal… unless grief work is going on. Time in and of itself will not magically take care of difficult feelings and experiences. In time a deep hurt is no longer so "raw" but the pain of it will linger and may hinder current relationships or future coping. Parents can help their children by being sensitive to the needs of the child at this time…those needs can and probably will change over time.

· Listen, listen and then listen again… with your heart as well as your ears! Try to put your own needs, expectations and prejudices aside to be "present" to your child. They need to know you care and they need to know that YOU are OK. Often, children "protect" the adults around them at great cost to their own emotional needs. If you are grieving too and cannot attend to their needs right now, try to have another reliable adult who can listen and respond.

· Gender Differences… Although all persons grieve there are distinct differences in the coping styles of boys and girls. A mother describes how her son and daughter coped with the death of a beloved grandparent: After an emotional weekend, my daughter said "Mom I need to stay home today and be by myself". Her son went to school and promptly got into a fight! Parents can help by being sensitive to the coping styles of their individual children and making suggestions and allowances.

· Be Proactive… Often we only learn about what could have been helpful after the fact. Encourage your school and community to provide information, education and helpful resources about loss, just as they do so well about drugs and alcohol and other important issues. All of us at some time will experience significant losses.

· Get Support… there are many resources in our community to help you, your family and your school when there is a loss of any kind. Knowing where to turn for help is the first step in coping with tragedy.