Forgiveness Frees the Forgiver

Forgiveness Frees the Forgiver!

Why is it so hard to forgive, especially long after the event, or even when

the offender has died? You have heard the words so many times, “forgive

and forget”, “let it go”, kiss and make up” and so on but somehow it is really

hard to do and feels false even when you grit your teeth and force it! Then

you feel ashamed that you just can’t be generous and it seems so “unchristian”.

Being a person of forgiveness is a prerequisite to a peaceful heart.

Why is it so hard?

When the offence is minor we forgive easily and truly forgive and forget.

Many times a day we, all of us, let go quickly of small slights and hurts

because we understand that we, too, say or do things that may hurt someone

but usually they are not meant maliciously or are part of a misunderstanding

quickly cleared up.

It is when the hurt is deeply wounding and personal that it becomes difficult to

let go…. A clearer understanding of what forgiveness is, and is not, might help.

There are several kinds of forgiveness:

giving and receiving forgiveness from one another,

forgiving ourselves and/or God and accepting God’s forgiveness.

These are often interrelated and we may need to forgive ourselves before we

are able to forgive others, sometimes it works the other way around. On a

global scale a country or its leaders may ask for forgiveness –

we call that Restorative Justice.

Forgiveness really is hard work, and it is not painless.

I forgive because not forgiving hurts me!

Bitterness and resentment can make you sick, literally sick, and is a slow

poison to the soul. When we blame others we make them responsible for

our emotions and we give them control. We can choose to give up our

right to anger and retribution, even if well deserved, in order to have peace:

peace for ourselves and harmony in our relationships.

Sometimes I am asked “but if I forgive them then they have won!”

On the contrary, harboring resentment hurts you, not them.

Often the offender is not even aware of the hurt – how many times have

you been told, “well you should know, and if you don’t know then I’m not

telling you!” If you are waiting for someone to ask for your forgiveness and

they don’t even know what they did, then you will be hurting for a long, long

time. Why not give yourself the gift of deciding to forgive and then you

will have won!

Change happens in our hearts first: (Change of perception-cognition)

we revisit and review what happened with a willingness to rediscover the

humanity of those who have hurt us

Forgiveness is for those we blame, those who have hurt us personally,

deeply and wrongfully. We may be angry at “the church” or “the government”

but typically we are angry at the actions of a member of that agency.

It may be painful to look closely at what has happened to hurt you but it is

not helpful to bury it or pretend it is no big deal or to be quick to forgive –

this will lead to false forgiveness, the pinchy-mouthed “OK, why don’t we

just forget it happened” – easier said than done?

It leaves you with more judgment, less trust, less openness,

less joy, just… less. So authentic forgiveness is worth the work.

Forgiveness will require courage and great humility –(We change our actions)

it requires us to shine a light into our own dark corners and to accept personal

responsibility and accountability. We will need patience, prudence, and honesty

to develop some compassion and empathy for the other: “there, but for the grace

of God go I…” While we are stuck in our righteous anger and resentment we are

very polarized and unable to see what part, if any, we may have played into the

offence.

We will need to be willing to practice empathy – the ability to be in the other’s shoes

– so that we need honesty to own up to the possibility that we too have been guilty

of hurt. We change our actions, when we are ready to heal we forgive.

Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. (Change of heart-empathy)

We may need to decide over and over again (seventy times seven in some cases)

to be a person of forgiveness. When we recall an incident and feel the hurt again

we think we have not forgiven but if we have decided and taken steps we can be

assured that we are on the forgiveness journey. We change our perception get

unstuck by revising our feelings about ourselves, others, the events

A friend spits out “I will never be able to trust her again after what she did.”

Forgiveness is not related to the nature of the offense, some things are indeed

unforgivable but it is the person that we are forgiving, not the offense.

Trust may be earned or regained in time but forgiveness is freely given and

bestowed, it is not earned.

Forgiveness is not necessarily reconciliation. A divorced woman complains

bitterly “that son of a gun abused me, I will never forgive him!” You may

forgive an abusive spouse but it does not mean that you return to the marriage.

In fact to do so would be counter productive if the problem that led to the

separation remains. You may forgive a teacher or a co-worker who hurt you in

the past but it does not mean you look him or her up to reconnect.

We let go of the need for vengeance (but not justice). You may forgive your

parent for not being able to protect and cherish you but that does not make what

happened all right. The bereaved father snarls “they better not let that murderer

loose or I’ll take justice into my own hands!” Forgiveness is not about condoning,

minimizing or excusing what has happened. We surrender our right to "get even".

You may still press charges. Pope John Paul II visited Mehmet Ali Agca in his jail

cell to offer forgiveness but he did not say, “get out of jail” because there are still

consequences to behavior. Remember you are forgiving the person, not the act.

If you can be “happy” or “right” why not choose “happy”? If you would like to

learn more about how to go about forgiving yourself and others check out the

local bookshop or the web, www.forgivenessweb.com

celiaryan@griefworks.com www.GriefWorks.com

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