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this page copyright of www.GriefWorks.com LossLines III Disclaimer: The information given here is not intended to be a substitute for professional help. Please consult the appropriate health professional if you are struggling with issues of grief and loss. Secondary Losses? LossLines: what is a lossline? LossLines II: how to do a lossline When we suffer a primary loss (such as being made redundant) it is usually clear why we are feeling sad, angry, depressed, possibly relieved, and so on. We no longer have a job! Most people will be worried about paying their bills, finding other suitable work, taking care of those who depend on our income...It may not be all doom and gloom; perhaps it was not a suitable job to start with and now there is freedom to find something better! We may still be angry at how the bad news was delivered, or hurt that we were let go and not someone else. These are usual and normal responses to a serious loss and ones that almost all of us can relate to and expect to feel ourselves. Secondary losses are those that come because of the primary (obvious) loss. A loss of self-esteem about losing the job would be one kind of secondary loss. A loss of the role of breadwinner puts serious strain on the unemployed. The eagerly awaited vacation may now become a lost dream and the future seems uncertain. There has been a loss of security. I think you get the idea... Looking back at the example in LossLines II, what kinds of secondary losses might this 40 year old man have related to, say, his son's death? The primary loss is clear and many of the secondary losses are ones that most people will easily see... not seeing your son grow to a man, a part of the family is missing, a sense that "the times are out of joint" (children are not supposed to die before the parent). There are many, many more losses surrounding this death of a child. I am sure you can think of quite a few... Have you ever considered the "other" pieces of the picture about losses in your life? When you begin to express and name them, you become aware of just how deep this loss is for you. Look back at the lossline you began for yourself and begin to list the secondary losses that you are becoming aware of now. In doing this exercise you will begin to understand the enormity of what is lost to you and why the feelings attached to it are sometimes so intense and possibly overwhelming. I hope that it is helpful to you to look again at your life experience and go a little easy on yourself if you continue to be troubled by past losses. Even minor loss can have a huge ripple effect (think of the nursery rhyme "for want of a nail the shoe was lost") and the results can impact you in ways you probably haven't ever thought of in quite this way. Next Time: Feelings |
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