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Children Grieving: Grieving Children
By Celia
Ryan, LCSW-C, CT
Clinical Social Worker and Certified Grief
Therapist
Any adult struggling to make sense of the
losses, both natural and violent, all around us is also struggling
to help children make sense of tragedy in our world today. Our
natural inclination is to protect the children from the brutal
realities of life in modern America but how can we? It is a nightly
fixture on our TV sets, a daily exposure in our communities and
worse, a personal experience at home or at school.
In
almost every home in America there has been loss of some kind.
No-one needs to die for there to be grief, because any change
produces loss. Divorce, death of a parent or grandparent, a pet's
death, a serious illness, job loss or losing a home for some reason
are clearly major loss events and there will be expected grief.
Smaller but no less significant losses can be a childhood illness, a
disability, a best friend moves away, not making the team and so on.
Adults have few guidelines for themselves in grieving, after all,
there is no high school class on "How to Help Yourself Grieve" and
"Guide to Grieving for Dummies" has yet to make the bestseller list!
So how can we adults cope with our own grief and yet be
appropriately responsive to children as well?
First,
help yourself! Even if what has happened is not personal to you,
your child is hurting and so you are probably hurting for him or
her.
Let him or her know that you care and are willing to
deal openly with what has happened. Children need clear and honest
information, appropriate to their grade level.
Recognize the
symptoms of grief and loss and how they might manifest in a child or
adolescent.
Teachers can be your best support. Make sure the
school knows what has happened and keep the communication open.
· Recognize there is no "Right Way" to grieve… Men,
women and children all have different coping styles and so will
grieve in a way that works for them. Teens are going to have
different coping skills than a small child. A pre-schooler will have
a very different understanding and experience of grief than a nine
year old. Parents can help by encouraging and giving permission to
their children to grieve in a way that is "right" for the child. Try
not to impose adult expectations on children.
· Time
does not heal… unless grief work is going on. Time in and of itself
will not magically take care of difficult feelings and experiences.
In time a deep hurt is no longer so "raw" but the pain of it will
linger and may hinder current relationships or future coping.
Parents can help their children by being sensitive to the needs of
the child at this time…those needs can and probably will change over
time.
· Listen, listen and then listen again… with
your heart as well as your ears! Try to put your own needs,
expectations and prejudices aside to be "present" to your child.
They need to know you care and they need to know that YOU are OK.
Often, children "protect" the adults around them at great cost to
their own emotional needs. If you are grieving too and cannot attend
to their needs right now, try to have another reliable adult who can
listen and respond.
· Gender Differences… Although
all persons grieve there are distinct differences in the coping
styles of boys and girls. A mother describes how her son and
daughter coped with the death of a beloved grandparent: After an
emotional weekend, my daughter said "Mom I need to stay home today
and be by myself". Her son went to school and promptly got into a
fight! Parents can help by being sensitive to the coping styles of
their individual children and making suggestions and
allowances.
· Be Proactive… Often we only learn about
what could have been helpful after the fact. Encourage your school
and community to provide information, education and helpful
resources about loss, just as they do so well about drugs and
alcohol and other important issues. All of us at some time will
experience significant losses.
· Get Support… there
are many resources in our community to help you, your family and
your school when there is a loss of any kind. Knowing where to turn
for help is the first step in coping with tragedy.
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