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this page copyright www.Griefworks.com Disclaimer: The information
given here is not intended to be a substitute for professional help. Please
consult the appropriate health professional if you are struggling with issues
of grief and loss Post-Abortion
Healing FAQ's Whatever
the reason for an abortion, there's nothing to be done now, so why bring it
up? Whatever your politics, the fact is that many women (and men) suffer psychic and emotional pain from the after-effects of an abortion. For almost everyone, there is initial relief but for some it is short-lived… The feelings that surface after an abortion are many and complex, but
often encompass the normal emotions of grieving. This grief over abortion
cannot be given appropriate expression because of social pressures - the
shrill rhetoric from opposing sides of the problem leaves little or no room
for true resolution of grief that leads to healing. Both sides make it very
difficult for an aborted woman (or man) to find the path to healing. If s/he
wishes s/he could have made a different choice the pro-life material makes
her/him feel doubly condemned and worthless. If s/he truly feels that there
was no other choice, but struggles with conflicting feelings, the pro-choice
material makes her/him feel guilty or “weird” for having those feelings.
Either way, the woman (man, parents, friends) will likely bury those feelings
for they have no appropriate avenue of expression and the emotional pain
becomes a disenfranchised grief. Time heals all wounds, or does it? This is one of the biggest myths surrounding loss! Yes, the passage of time allows for the processing of grief and loss, but only if it is a conscious grieving. When there is a loss, any kind, (death, sickness, job, jewelry, health) most people can share their very normal feelings of rage, anger, frustration, guilt, depression, relief, and so on, and receive a great deal of support from others. When the loss is a "secret" as in suicide, AIDS, abortion, there is no way to gather social support to cope and the person cannot engage in appropriate grieving which ultimately leads to healing. The grief becomes disenfranchised and the passage of years does not lead to healing. Many people bury the wounds of abortion so deep they are not even aware of the damage that is being done as they use denial to cope... like Jane, using her ten years of work with the most difficult children to (unconsciously) "pay" for her choice; like Margie, who was raped and had a ton of rape related counseling but no-one ever addressed the subsequent abortion in the 17 following years and left her with self-destructive behaviors...like Nancy, who spent decades on depression medicine because she had an abortion in the fifties and could never discover why she was so depressed. Once these women were able to relate their hurt to the abortion, they could mourn and heal. A deep wound left untended does not heal, but continues to suppurate. A deep wound attended to will leave a scar, but it will heal. How do those involved in an abortion
cope? An abortion is a deeply traumatic event, both psychologically and physically, for most men and women. Human beings tend to cope with trauma by using various defenses such as denial, minimizing, repression, avoidance and so on. For many people the involvement in an abortion can be suppressed and dealt with using a variety of coping skills - for some it works quite well, for others it works for a while and for some it is immediately and painfully a problem for which they seek help. Society colludes in this denial of a problem by focusing on the issue of "choice". For the aborted woman the "choice" had been made. There is no going back, but how and where can she make sense of what has happened? Does Religion/Spirituality hurt or help? Often those involved in an abortion can seek and find our most loving, most patient and all-forgiving God through a sensitive minister in their faith and experience the healing power of forgiveness. More often, however, women and men who feel worthless cut themselves off from spiritual resources and do not really accept God's forgiveness because they cannot forgive themselves. Many of us grew up with a punishing view of God and have a distorted interpretation of our faith. Sometimes our spirituality has not been a prevalent focus in our life and when put to the test it is not deep enough to nurture us in the darkest hours. Many people blame God ("why does no one ever blame the Devil?" asked a woman in one of my groups!) Who will help me? There is help and support for those who are ready to begin. Across the country various supports are available. Some are religious based and some are run by caring lay volunteers. Some support groups are run on twelve step principles like AA, some are bible-based studies using the bible to support healing, some are run like a self-help support group, or a grief group and some are informational. There are books, newsletters, email groups, chat rooms, retreat weekends and a host of options from which to choose where to start. I have experienced and now work with a most wonderful and powerful healing program Rachel’s Vineyard (http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/) which is a unique blend of psychology and spirituality. The weekends are offered all over the US and have spread to many other countries. There are many programs and resources now available but this program is one I am convinced has all the elements of complete and authentic healing. This program is staffed with trained volunteers who will listen to you and help you to decide the next step. Although Rachel's Vineyard is a Catholic outreach, they have sensitive ministers in several faiths who are available to you, telephone counseling, support groups, professional therapists, healing services, mentors, healing retreat weekends and a host of other possibilities to help you begin your journey to healing. When does Healing from abortion happen? For some people there is a life-long mourning that never ends because it cannot be given expression. Others find ways to grieve that are helpful and eventually they heal. But for most people involved with an abortion, healing cannot happen until something breaks through the level of denial that protects them from these complicated feelings and emotions. This could be very soon after the event (some women are so overwhelmed immediately that they require hospitalization to keep them safe). This is rare however, and more typically it is years before a trigger event (perhaps the birth of a new baby, the realization of infertility, a life changing or life threatening event) brings the abortion into sharp focus and it becomes impossible to continue to deny its significance. Sadly for some, it is decades before healing can happen; decades of fear, anxiety, substance abuse, depression, overwork, broken relationships and so on, often with no understanding that this is the aftermath of a broken relationship with God and self. What is Disenfranchised Grief The secret grief of abortion has led to disenfranchisement from the healing process but time has not healed this hidden wound and it continues to bleed internally. Even when a woman has sought God's forgiveness, often she cannot forgive herself and thus does not "feel" forgiven. She continues to punish herself in many ways (by working with the most difficult and challenging cases, by giving to everyone but herself, by depriving herself of success, loving relationships, and good health, by throwing herself zealously into causes or a renewed religious zeal). Self-forgiveness is a process and a decision and is part of the grief journey that each person must make to open the wound of past abortion, be allowed to explore all of the attendant feelings, and to ask for and receive forgiveness unconditionally! The woman or man must also ask forgiveness from the child or children he or she has rejected. The wound has to be reopened, cleansed, and aired so that true and complete healing can happen. There will always be a scar, for memories cannot be erased, but once the wound has sealed over cleanly, health can be restored. The emotional energy necessary for healing can then be released. Resources: Rachel’s Vineyard Post Abortion Healing weekends www.rachelsvineyard.org Memorialize your child at this link www.cpcworld.org Project Rachel National Office of Post Abortion Healing and Reconciliation Elliot Institute www.afterabortion.org Safe
Haven www.safehavenministries.com Hannah’s
Prayer www.hannah.org Books Read
this if you read nothing else! Green, Therese Marie. 1998 Mother of
Mercy & of Love. Mukilteo , WA. Winepress Publishing. ISBN
1-57921-058-9 1 800 917 BOOK Kupferman, Rev. L. 1994. A Rachel Rosary; Intercessory Prayer for Victims of Post Abortion. Resurrection Press. Mineola. New York. ISBN 1-878718-21-5 Baker, Don.
1985. Beyond Choice - The Abortion Story No One Is Telling. Portland,
OR: Multnomah Press. Bigliardi,
Pat. 1994. Women's Aglow Fellowship. Lynwood Wa. Cochrane,
Linda and Jones, Kathy. 1996. Forgiven and Set Free : A Post-Abortion
Bible Study for Women. Baker Book House. Cochrane,
Linda. 1996. Healing a Fathers Heart : A Post Abortion. Baker Book
House. Crawford,
Douglas and Mannion, Michael. 1989. Psycho-Spiritual Healing After an
Abortion. Kansas City, MO: Sheed and Ward De Puy,
Candace & Dovitch, Dana. 1997. The Healing Choice. New York, NY.
Fireside Dillon, John.
1990. A Path To Hope. Mineola, NY: Resurrection Press. Ervin, Paula.
1985. Women Exploited - The Other Victim Of Abortion. Huntington, IN: Fabricant,
Sheila, Linn, Matthew, & Linn, Dennis. 1985. Healing Relationships.
Kansas City, MO. Sheed & Ward Francis,
Holly. 1992. Five Steps Toward Post-Abortion Healing. Boston, MA: St.
Paul Books & Media. Hanes, Maria
and Hayford, Jack. 1984. Beyond Heartache. Wheaton, IL: Living Books Hayford,
Jack.1986. I'll Hold You in Heaven. Ventura, CA. Regal Books King, Pat
(ed.) 1994. Catholic Women and Abortion - Stories Of Healing. Kansas
City, MO: Sheed & Ward. Klasen,
Thomas. 1988. Pro-Life Manifesto. Westchester, IL: Crossway Books. Koerbel, Pam.
1986. Abortion's Second Victim. Wheaton, IL: Victor Books Koerbel, Pam.
1990. Does Anyone Else Feel like I Do?. New York, NY: Doubleday Kuenning,
Dolores. 1987. Healing People Through Grief. Minneapolis, MN: Bethany
House Publishers. Kushner,
Harold. 1981. When Bad Things Happen to Good People. New York, NY.
Avon Books Linn, Matt et.
al. 1985. Healing The Greatest Hurt (Chapter 7). Mahwah, NJ: Paulist
Press. Mannion,
Michael. 1992. Abortion & Healing - A Cry To Be Whole (2nd
edition). Kansas City, MO: Sheed & Ward. Mannion,
Michael (ed.). 1994. Post-Abortion Aftermath : A Comprehensive
Consideration : Writings Generated by Various Experts at a 'Post-Abortion
Summit Conference'. Kansas City, MO: Sheed & Ward1 800 333 7373 Mannion,
Michael. 1987. Spiritual Reflections Of A Pro-Life Pilgrim. Kansas
City, MO: Sheed & Ward. Masse, Sydna,
& Philips, Joan. 1998. Her Choice to Heal. Chariot Victor
Publishing. Colorado Springs. CO. Michels,
Nancy. 1988. Helping Women Recover From Abortion. Minneapolis, MN:
Bethany House Publishers. Nykiel, Connie.
1997. No One Told Me I Could Cry. Frankfort, IL: For Teen Moms Only
(815-464-5465). Peretti,
Frank. Tilly. Crossway Publishers. Reardon,
David. 1987. Aborted Women Silent No More. Westchester, IL: Crossway
Books. Also: Making Abortion Rare. Springfield, IL. Hope and
Healing Newsletter 1 888 456 HOPE (4673) Reardon,
David. 1996. The Jericho Plan : Breaking Down the Walls Which Prevent
Post-Abortion Healing. Acorn Books. Reisser, Teri.
1989. Help for the Post Abortion Woman. Zondervan Publishing House. Rupp, Joyce.
1999. Your Sorrow is my Sorrow . New York, NY. Crossroad Publishing Selby, Terry.
1990. The Mourning After. Grand Rapids, MI. Baker Book House. Shostak,
Arthur et. al. 1984. Men And Abortion. New York, NY: Praeger. (A more
current version may be available from Life Cycle Books , 1-800-214-5849.) Smedes, Lewis.
1984. Forgive & Forget. San Francisco Ca. Harper Books Speckhard,
Anne. 1987. Post-Abortion Counseling: A Manual For Christian Counselors.
Falls Church, VA: PACE Christian Action Council. Speckhard,
Anne. 1987. Psycho-Social Aspects of Stress Following Abortion. Kansas
City, MO: Sheed and Ward Stanford,
Susan. 1986. Will I Cry Tomorrow? Old Tappan, NJ: Fleming H. Revell
Co. Tobin, Eamon.
1993. How to Forgive yourself & Others. Liguori, MO. Liguori Press Videos After The
Choice Concerned Women of America Abortion,
Healing & Reconcilation Sheed & Ward Dear
Children - A Story of Post-Abortion Healing Easton Publishing Comapny How To Help
After An Abortion NOPARH Praying With
Diane For Healing After An Abortion Paulist Press Post
Abortion Counseling: Series I Tape 5 and Series III International Life Services
Foundation The
Mourning After Christian Action Council
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