For Parents: Helping Your Grieving Children
Normal Grief:
Grief is a normal response
to a life event. All mourners need
·
To
understand as much as possible (make sense and meaning)
·
To
talk about the person/event (tell my story)
·
Support
from family and friends
·
Express
emotions
·
Look
at guilt realistically
·
Reassurance
that their experience is normal (not crazy)
·
To
memorialize the person's life…
Significant loss is a
life-changing event. Common reactions are:
Confusion, lack of concentration, dissociation
Numbness, intense restlessness,
Over or under-eating/ Over or under-sleeping
Somatic symptoms (stomach ache, nausea, body aches)
Pining, yearning, searching
Guilty, angry, sad
Impulsive or uncontrollable crying, mood changes,
irritability
Delusions/hallucinations of loved one
Worden's Four Task Model
·
Recognize
the reality of the loss...this is a process, death is an event
·
Feel
the feelings/do something…naming provides a framework for the experience
·
Adjust
to the (changed) life…also a process
·
Re-locate
the loss and re-invest energy in the new (changed) life…let go of pain, not
memories
Adults can help by educating
self and others about grief and loss…
·
Normalizing,
(magical thinking, guilt, relief, roller coaster of emotion) personalizing,
(unique loss) your sharing, (non judgmental, authentic behavior) being attentive,
reassure, give facts, commemorating, having resources ready…
·
Parents
can be helpful by recognizing their own comfort level and dealing with their
own pain, rehearsing response to likely questions, using natural events to
begin the loss dialogue, (teaching moments) marking significant dates to refer
to during the year, being willing to share their own feeling or experience.
·
Parents
can help their schools to be proactive, providing support groups, encouraging
peer mediation or support, have an early warning system for troubled kids,
educate parents as well as students to grief and loss issues. Have lots of
helpful brochures, handouts etc on other issues (mental illness, abuse, date
rape, suicide and depression, drinking and drug abuse) and resources (hot lines, emergency clinics, crisis
centers etc.)
·
RED FLAGS
Recognize trigger times
·
3
months' hole (even more depressed, it's not over)
·
Anniversaries
(special days, change of season)
·
Extra
stress times (legal proceedings, exams, college apps,)
·
Seasonal
(new school year, new teacher, teams)
·
Media,
music, senses
·
Developmental
COMPLICATIONS
Complicated grief (child death, suicide, previous
difficulties, bereavement overload, lack of support, disenfranchised grief,
long illness, violence, PTSD)
Deepening depression, focus on death, risky
behavior, isolation, self-injurious behavior.
Secondary loss, coping skills, physical health
Karen
Kaiser Clark