Why Grief Makes Everything Feel Impossible

Grief tilts you off your central axis. The things you used to do automatically now require enormous effort. Getting out of bed. Showering. Deciding what to eat. Each tiny decision can feel overwhelming.

This isn't weakness — it's what happens when your brain is using almost all its energy to process an impossible loss. There's very little left over for the basics of daily life.

Without any structure, your mind has to constantly figure out what to do next. Should I work? Should I rest? Should I call someone? Should I be doing more? This constant uncertainty is exhausting. It drains the small reserves of energy you have left.

Structure as Scaffolding

Think of structure not as a rigid schedule, but as scaffolding — something that holds you up while you rebuild.

When a building is under construction, scaffolding provides temporary support. It doesn't do the work for you, but it creates the conditions for work to happen. A daily structure does the same thing for grief.

Julia describes structure as one of her Pillars of Strength — the key supports that help us rebuild after loss. It's not about filling every hour or being productive. It's about creating enough predictability that your brain can rest from constant decision-making.

We are what we repeatedly do. — Aristotle

Saving Mental Energy

One of the hidden benefits of routine is that it saves mental energy.

Without a plan, you spend your limited reserves constantly deciding: What should I do now? Is this the right thing? Should I be doing something else? This mental noise is exhausting.

When you have even a loose structure — I exercise in the morning, I do chores after lunch, I rest in the evening — those decisions are already made. Your brain can stop asking "what next?" and simply follow the plan.

This might sound small, but when you're running on empty, every bit of saved energy matters.

The Power of Small Wins

Grief can make you feel powerless. So much has been taken out of your control. But completing even tiny tasks on a schedule can start to restore your sense of agency.

Made the bed? That's a win. Went for a short walk? That's a win. Ate a proper meal? That's a win.

These aren't small things — they're evidence that you can still function, even in the hardest time of your life. Each completed task builds a little more self-belief. And that self-belief is what helps you keep going.

The goal isn't to be productive. The goal is to feel like you have some control over your days when so much feels utterly out of control.

What a Simple Structure Might Look Like

You don't need a complicated system. A basic structure of good habits might include:

• Morning: Some form of movement — even a 10-minute walk. Getting your heart rate up helps clear the stress hormones from your body.

• Midday: A small amount of work or chores. Just enough to feel like you've done something.

• Afternoon: Time to think about the person who died. This might be journaling, looking at photos, or talking to someone. Giving grief its own slot means it doesn't have to invade every moment.

• Evening: Something comforting and soothing. A bath, gentle music, a familiar TV show. And a regular bedtime — your brain needs consistent sleep to process everything it's carrying.

  Remember: This isn't about cramming activities into every hour. It's about creating anchors in your day that give you something to hold onto.

Flexibility, Not Rigidity

Structure shouldn't feel like a prison. It needs to be flexible enough to breathe.

Some days, you won't manage the walk. Some days, you'll need to cry instead of doing chores. Some days, you'll abandon the plan entirely — and that's okay.

The structure is there to support you, not to judge you. Think of it as a gentle guide, not a strict rule. When you fall off, you simply return to it the next day.

Julia emphasises that within your structure, you need space for down time — moments to tune into your emotions as they arise, without trying to push through or stay busy. Grief needs room to surface. A good routine makes space for that.

Restoring a Sense of Normal

One of the strangest things about grief is how the world keeps turning while yours has stopped. Maintaining simple habits — waking at the same time, eating regular meals, going outside each day — helps the world feel a little more normal.

Not normal as in "everything's fine." But normal as in stable enough to stand on.

These small consistencies remind your nervous system that not everything has changed. Some things still hold. Some things can still be relied upon. And in grief, that reliability is a form of comfort.

If You Would Like More Support

The Grief Works Programme includes practical tools for building structure when everything feels chaotic.

Session 20: A Structure of Good Habits walks you through creating a flexible routine that conserves your energy, restores a sense of control, and makes space for both grief and daily life.

Session 14: Your Relationship with Time helps you understand why time feels so distorted in grief, and how to keep your outlook short when the future feels overwhelming.

Session 19: Soothing and Relaxing offers practices for the restorative parts of your day — the moments of comfort that help you recover.

You don't have to figure out your whole life right now. You just have to figure out today. One small structure at a time.