Staying frantically busy keeps you running from the grief. But unprocessed grief doesn't go away. It stays in your body, leaks into other areas of your life, and can leave you stuck years later. As the saying goes in the mindfulness world:

What we resist, persists.

We need to allow the grief to move through us.

And yet, staying entirely in the pain can pull you toward despair. Allowing yourself to feel joy, comfort, and gratitude isn't betraying your grief. These moments restore your nervous system and give you the resources to process the pain. They're essential to healing.

Healing happens in the movement between these two states.

Approaching the Pain of Grief

One of the most helpful things you can do is create a container for your grief. Give yourself permission to grieve for a set amount of time — 10 minutes, 20 minutes, an hour. Journal, look at photos, cry, remember. Allow yourself to feel it fully within that time. Then, when your time is up, intentionally shift to doing something active: a chore, cooking, a walk.

Create comfort for yourself before and after. Think about three things you're grateful for, even tiny things. Make yourself a cup of tea. Light a candle. Put on a soft blanket. These small acts of self-care aren't avoiding the grief — they're creating a sense of safety so you can turn towards the pain and restore afterwards.

Managing the Overwhelm

Grief activates the same stress response as fear. That's why your thoughts race, your chest tightens, and everything feels too much. When this happens, there are tools that can help.

Using the body:

Movement — a 10-minute walk, a short yoga session — helps metabolise cortisol and shifts your nervous system out of the frozen, panicked state. Go outside if you can, even in bad weather. You will almost always feel better for it.

Deep breathing — when you slow your breath down, you activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which tells your body it's safe to calm down. Your heart rate slows, your muscles release, and your mind quiets.

Using the mind:

Mindfulness can bring you back to the present moment. When you're spiralling, try the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding practice: notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This interrupts the spiral and anchors you back in the here and now, where you're actually safe.

Perspective shifting — it can help to shift from connecting through pain to connecting through love, from the death story to the life story. It might be wearing something of theirs, making their favourite meal, visiting a place they loved, or lighting a candle each evening. These touchstones help you hold them close through love and gratitude, not just through the ache of missing them.

Working Through Guilt

Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of grief.

— Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

So many people carry guilt alongside their grief. But it's important to remember: feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty.

It's easy to look back in hindsight and blame ourselves, constantly thinking about the "shoulds" and "what-ifs." But the truth is we don't have crystal balls — we are simply fallible human beings. Practising self-compassion and forgiveness are key to working with guilt.

A helpful practice:

List out the actions and feelings you feel guilty about — so they are down and out of your head.

Think about how you would talk to a close friend if they were in this situation, both the words and the caring tone of voice you would use, and repeat this to yourself.

Write a letter to your loved one saying all you would like to say, and then write back how you think they would reply.

Healing Happens in Layers

Healing happens incrementally, in layers. It's never too late to begin tending to your loss with compassion and care. And most importantly, be kind and patient with yourself along the way.

If You Would Like More Support

The Grief Works Programme is designed to help you work through grief at your own pace, with structure and guidance when you need it.

Session 2: Pain is the Agent of Change includes a healing meditation that helps you gently come to terms with the pain and allow it to move through you.

Session 9: Working Through Guilt guides you through practices for self-compassion and forgiveness.

Session 22: Continuing Relationships and Session 23: Staying Connected help you shift from connecting through pain to connecting through love — building touchstones that keep them close in ways that bring comfort.