Perhaps you recognise yourself in some of these thoughts:

I keep saying yes to things and then dreading them. I don't know how to stop.

Everyone expects me to be back to normal, but I can barely manage the basics.

I feel selfish for wanting to be alone, but being around people is exhausting.

If any of this sounds familiar, you're not alone.

"No" Can Be a Positive Word

Julia often reminds us: saying "no" is one of the 8 Pillars of Strength that help us rebuild after loss.

This might sound counterintuitive. We're taught that "yes" is generous, kind, capable — and that "no" means letting people down. But when we're grieving, saying "yes" without meaning it leads us somewhere painful:

We miss vital rest and recovery time. Other people's priorities come first. Resentment builds quietly beneath the surface. And we miss the chance to say "yes" to what actually matters.

A clear, honest "no" brings something different entirely: feeling strong and in control, making your wellbeing a priority, and being truthful with yourself and others.

"No" becomes a positive word — a way to be assertive and have control over your life when so much feels out of control.

How to Say "No" Without the Guilt

Here are some tips for a considerate, effective "no":

Take your time. Very few requests need an immediate answer. Try: "I'll get back to you when I've had a chance to check..."

Appreciate the intention. Acknowledge their thought before declining. People generally mean well.

Listen to your inner voice. Ask yourself honestly: "Do I really want to do this?" If the answer isn't clear, write about it or talk it over with someone you trust.

Keep it simple. You don't need an elaborate excuse. "I appreciate the offer, but it's not right for me right now" is enough.

Try this phrase: "No thank you. I appreciate [their intention], but what's right for me is [your boundary]."

Start Small

If you're not used to saying no, start small. Decline an extra task at work. Say no to a phone call when you need quiet. Skip the gathering that feels like too much.

Each small "no" builds the muscle for the bigger ones — and reminds you that your needs matter too.

If You Would Like More Support

The Grief Works Programme includes practical guidance for protecting your energy while you grieve.

Session 16: Making "No" a Positive helps you identify the things that drain you, and find words for a "no" that feels honest and kind — without the guilt.

Session 20: A Structure of Good Habits supports you in building a rhythm that prioritises rest and recovery, so you have the energy for what truly matters.

You don't have to say yes to everything. Saying no is how you say yes to yourself.