Why We Withdraw

Julia speaks often about this. In her experience, social support is the single most important factor in working through grief — and yet it's often the hardest thing to ask for.

There are so many reasons we don't reach out:

We're scared of being rejected. We're too proud to let others know we're struggling. We don't want to burden people who have their own troubles. We don't think anyone will truly understand. We don't have the energy to talk. We feel uncomfortable being vulnerable. We're not sure we have anyone to turn to.

Any of these can be enough to keep us hidden. The trouble is, isolation tends to deepen the pain rather than protect us from it.

What Actually Helps

Your friends and family likely want to help — but they don't know how. This is new for them too.

Here's what other grieving people say makes a difference:

• Say something. People avoid mentioning the death because they're afraid of saying the wrong thing. But often the worst thing is saying nothing at all.

• Be upfront. Honesty and directness help — like using the name of the person who died, rather than dancing around it.

• Just listen. Without judgment. Without trying to fix anything.

• Ask open questions. "How are you feeling?" rather than "Are you okay?"

• Don't rush. Allow the process to take all the time it takes.

  You can share this with the people around you. Sometimes a little guidance from you is all they need.

Small Steps Toward Connection

If reaching out feels overwhelming, Julia suggests starting small: go for a walk with someone.

Without the pressure of eye contact, without the formality of sitting across from each other, something loosens. Words come more easily. Or they don't — and that's okay too.

And if someone has said something hurtful, try this phrase: "When you said that, I felt..." It clears the air before resentment builds in silence.

Finding People Who Truly Understand

Sometimes the loneliest feeling isn't being alone — it's being surrounded by people who don't understand what you're going through.

This is why Julia believes so strongly in finding others who are also grieving. Not to compare pain, but to feel less alone in it. There's something profoundly comforting about being in a room (even a virtual one) with people who simply get it. You don't have to explain yourself. You don't have to perform being okay. You can just be.

People need people. And they particularly need people when they're suffering.

Whether it's a local support group, an online community, or even one other person who has been through something similar — these connections can hold you in ways that well-meaning friends and family sometimes can't.

When You Can't Reach Out

There will be days when reaching out feels impossible. When even a text feels like too much. On those days, connection can look different.

Write in a journal — not for anyone else, just for you. Talk to your pet, if you have one. They listen without judgment and ask nothing in return. Or connect to the person you've lost: light a candle, look at a photo, make their favourite meal. These are forms of connection too.

You don't have to do this perfectly. Some days, surviving is enough.

If You Would Like More Support

The Grief Works Programme offers both guidance and community for those navigating loneliness in grief.

Session 12: Love and Support helps you identify what's stopping you from reaching out, and find practical ways to get the support you need — even when asking feels impossible.

Session 22: Continuing Relationships and Session 23: Staying Connected offer ways to maintain your connection to the person who died, so you never feel entirely alone.

The programme also includes weekly member meetups where members come together to share, listen, and support one another. You don't have to speak if you don't want to — sometimes just being there, knowing others understand, is enough.

You don't have to do this alone. Even when it feels like you do.