Ask Julia: Why Does Grief Come Back Harder When You Push It Away?
Putting grief in a box might work for a while. Why pushed-down grief tends to return with the next loss, what it can do to your body and mind, and how to let it through a little at a time.
Written by
Julia Samuel MBE
In this article
Key takeaways
- Some people push grief away and seem to get on with life, but the research suggests that suppressed grief doesn't simply disappear.
- A new loss, whether another death, a lost job or even moving house, can take you straight back to earlier grief, and if it hasn't been processed, it can come back harder.
- Unresolved grief affects the body too, through a spiral of less movement, poorer eating and less connection.
- My one tip: let grief through in small, manageable doses, and then take a break from it.
- If old grief keeps resurfacing, it's never too late to get support.
Watch Julia answer
Read the full conversation
Interviewer: What happens to us when we don't take the time to process our grief and we suppress it? Are there any kind of symptoms that we can see that come out if we don't take that time to go into it and process our feelings?
Julia: I mean people are individual and unique so there may be some people who haven't come to therapy who I don't see who get on with life and they suppress it. The research doesn't show that. What the research shows is that if you suppress that present loss, the death of her father, you may be able to do that for one loss but when there's a new event in your life, a new loss, it could be even losing that job or moving house or another death. It always takes you to the place of where you experience grief so a new loss will bring back your previous loss. And if you haven't done any of the work of grief to process that, then it'll come back harder. And what the research shows is that 15% of all psychological disorders come from unresolved grief. So it's a risk. And also the mind and body are very interconnected so that people who have unresolved grief are likely to have lots of physical difficulties because the kind of negative spiral that you go into if you're not engaging in life, you're probably not exercising, you may not be feeding yourself well, you may not be connecting with friends and family. So then you get all the difficulties that come from that.
Transcribed automatically; may contain small errors.
I hear this often from people whose partner died years ago and who "just got on with it", for the children or for work. People are individual, and some do seem to manage for a long time. But the grief is still there, waiting.
Why pushed-down grief returns
You may be able to suppress one loss for a long time. But life keeps bringing change, and every significant change carries some loss: a job ending, a move, a friendship fading, another death.
a new loss will bring back your previous loss. And if you haven't done any of the work of grief to process that, then it'll come back harder.
— From my answer in the video
This is why someone can seem to cope with the death of their husband, and then be completely floored, years later, when the family dog dies or they retire. It isn't an overreaction. It's the earlier grief, finally asking for attention.
The psychologist Daniel Wegner's famous "white bear" experiments showed something similar about the mind: when people tried hard not to think about a white bear, the thought kept coming back, often more strongly. Pushing a painful thought away takes constant effort, and it tends to rebound. Grief research points the same way. The neuroscientist Mary-Frances O'Connor describes how avoiding reminders of the person who died can keep grief stuck rather than helping it settle.
What unresolved grief does to the body and mind
The mind and body are deeply connected, so grief that isn't processed doesn't only stay in our thoughts.
the mind and body are very interconnected so that people who have unresolved grief are likely to have lots of physical difficulties
— From my answer in the video
Part of this is a negative spiral. If you're not engaging with life, you're probably not exercising, you may not be eating well, and you may not be connecting with friends and family. Each of those makes the next harder, and all of them take a toll on your health.
Signs your grief may have gone underground
These don't always mean something is wrong, but they are worth noticing:
- a new, smaller loss floors you in a way that feels out of proportion
- you avoid anything that reminds you of the person who died: photos, places, their name
- you're always busy, and feel uneasy when you stop
- you're drinking more, or relying on something else to switch off
- you feel numb, flat or irritable much of the time
- you have physical symptoms, such as tiredness, aches or poor sleep, without a clear cause
If several of these feel familiar, it may be time to give your grief some attention, and to see your GP about anything physical.
My one tip: let grief through in small doses
- Set aside 10 to 15 minutes, somewhere private, when you won't be interrupted.
- Choose a way in: a photograph, their music, writing to them, or simply saying their name aloud.
- Let whatever comes, come. Tears, anger, tenderness, or nothing at all.
- When the time is up, deliberately do something comforting: make a cup of tea, go for a walk, call a friend. Moving between grief and ordinary life is healthy; researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut call it oscillation.
- Repeat a few times a week. Over time, it usually becomes less overwhelming.
- If an old loss has resurfaced after a new one, name it. "I think this is about Dad, as well as the job."
- If it feels like too much, or the death was traumatic, do this with a counsellor.
It's never too late
Some people feel embarrassed to be grieving someone who died a long time ago. There's no deadline on grief, and no point at which it's too late to start the work. What matters is that you let yourself feel it, with support, rather than carrying it alone underground.
How Grief Works can help
In the Grief Works programme, Session 2, Pain is the agent of change, explains why engaging with grief is what helps it change, Session 7, Dealing with numbness, helps you notice where feelings have been pushed away, and Session 13, Coping behaviours, helps you spot the habits that keep grief underground. Our counsellors are available by 1-to-1 chat from 9am to 9pm every day.
If you need to talk to someone now
- Samaritans: 116 123, free, day or night
- Shout: text SHOUT to 85258, free, 24/7
- Cruse Bereavement Support: 0808 808 1677
Common questions
What happens if you don't grieve?
Can grief come back years later?
What is delayed grief?
How we wrote and reviewed this article
Julia Samuel MBE wrote this article from her own answer in the filmed conversation above, adding research and practical guidance. Lines marked "From my answer in the video" are her words as she spoke them.
Sources
- Julia Samuel, filmed Grief Works conversation, "Unresolved Grief: Why It Doesn't Just Go Away" (video, 2 minutes)
- D. M. Wegner, D. J. Schneider, S. R. Carter and T. L. White (1987), "Paradoxical effects of thought suppression", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 53(1)
- M. Stroebe and H. Schut (1999), "The dual process model of coping with bereavement", Death Studies, 23(3)
- Mary-Frances O'Connor, The Grieving Brain (2022)
Article history
- 17 September 2026: Updated
- 11 August 2026: Published
About the author
Written by
Julia Samuel MBE
Psychotherapist and co-creator of Grief Works
One of the world's most respected grief psychotherapists, with over 35 years' experience. Former Vice President of the BACP, MBE for services to the bereaved, Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK, and bestselling author of Grief Works and This Too Shall Pass.
