Ask Julia: Why am I so hard on myself while I'm grieving?
One of the cruellest parts of grief is the voice that turns on you when you're already in pain. Where it comes from, the one question that takes the sting out of it, and how to turn its volume down.
Written by
Julia Samuel MBE
In this article
Key takeaways
- Turning on yourself while you're grieving is very common, and it makes pain that's already huge even heavier.
- It can sound like "I'm such an idiot", "I should be all right by now", or comparing yourself unfavourably with others.
- I call it the shitty committee. Often it's anger with nowhere to go, turned inwards.
- Start by noticing what you're saying to yourself, then write it down.
- Then ask: would I say this to anyone else, especially someone who was suffering?
- Picture the voice as a dialogue coming at you, and turn the volume down.
Watch Julia answer
Read the full conversation
Julia: And I think it's one of the kind of cruellest aspects of grief that often when we're suffering and we feel so much pain missing the person that's died, that we find ourselves turning and attacking ourselves and making what's already extremely painful more so by what I call the shitty committee, where you turn against yourself and maybe saying things like I'm such an idiot or I should be all right by now, or comparing yourself to other people or just feeling kind of very angry, but turning that rage against yourself. So that limits your kind of emotional capacity to feel even moments of positive feelings. So I mean, I think in the breakout room certainly talk to each other about how, reflect on and try and have some insight in how you uniquely can be criticizing yourself and harsh on yourself. I think one of the things is really kind of taking a breath and taking a step back and begin to be aware of the messages that subliminally and they're just loud enough to hear of what you're saying to yourself and begin to write those messages down and you know, look at them and say to yourself, when you see them written down, would I say that to anybody else, particularly if they were suffering, you know, what would I be saying to them if they were suffering? Because I think that can give you a kind of handle on what is going on internally and how that is affecting you psychologically, emotionally. I think the other thing that is helpful is to see it as a, as a kind of dialogue. And really this comes from hypnotherapy. Kind of take an image that pictures it as a dialogue that's coming at you and turn the volume down. So kind of see it as an image, see the words and turn the volume down and then intentionally turn to yourself with compassion and kindness, you know, seeing what, giving yourself what you really need rather than intensifying the pain that you're feeling. I think the other thing that's important is really recognizing that grief is a 360 degree, you know, 3D embodied experience. And the more we can holistically respond to ourselves, then that does help us manage these waves as they hit us so that it can. Grief can come physiologically like hit you like a wave in your body, but often what the body does is transmit a message which can be a very critical, harsh message. And so the more that you're aware of that and developing practices which, again, I'd like you to talk about in your breakout rooms. What are the things that you can do that help you weather the storm of when you get hit with a wave of grief? But what are the active self soothing habits that you can develop? It may be breathing, it may be listening to music, it may be going outside. It may be doing all of those things. It may be yoga. Using the tools in the app that can really help you. Breathing tools, movement tools. And I think really connecting with each other is probably the most helpful. Kind of seeing yourself in other people can help you be compassionate for yourself.
Transcribed automatically; may contain small errors.
In the moment, the critical voice can feel like the truth about you. It isn't. It's a habit of mind, and habits can change.
Why do we turn on ourselves when we're grieving?
it's one of the kind of cruellest aspects of grief that often when we're suffering and we feel so much pain missing the person that's died, that we find ourselves turning and attacking ourselves
— From my answer in the video
Some of it is anger. Grief brings a great deal of rage, and when there's nowhere for it to go, it can end up pointed at you. Some of it is the belief that grief should follow a timetable, and that you're failing if you haven't kept to it. There is no such timetable, and grief has no deadline.
The cost isn't only that it hurts. Constant self-criticism narrows you. It limits your capacity to feel even brief moments of something better, so the good hours that do arrive can't land.
What does the inner critic sound like?
I have a name for it.
what I call the shitty committee, where you turn against yourself and maybe saying things like I'm such an idiot or I should be all right by now, or comparing yourself to other people
— From my answer in the video
Giving it a name helps, because it reminds you that the committee isn't you. It's a voice that's moved in while you're at your most raw. It's rarely a clear sentence. More often it's a running commentary, just loud enough to hear:
- "I'm such an idiot."
- "I should be all right by now."
- "Everyone else is coping better than me."
- "I should have done more."
- "What's wrong with me?"
If some of these sound familiar, you're far from alone. Many people also worry they're losing their mind in grief, and the critic often feeds that fear.
How do you catch what you're saying to yourself?
Because these messages work just below the surface, the first step is to notice them. Take a breath, step back, and listen to what you're actually telling yourself. Then write the messages down.
That's more powerful than it sounds. A thought that drifts around your head feels like a fact. Written on a page, it becomes something you can look at and question. Research backs this up: naming a painful feeling has been shown to calm the brain's alarm response.
Would you say it to someone you love?
Once the messages are written down, I ask people one question.
would I say that to anybody else, particularly if they were suffering, you know, what would I be saying to them if they were suffering?
— From my answer in the video
Almost nobody would. The gap between how you'd speak to a grieving friend and how you speak to yourself shows you exactly what's going on inside. The psychologist Kristin Neff, who has spent her career studying self-compassion, describes it as treating yourself with the kindness you'd offer a friend, and her research links it with lower anxiety and depression.
How do you turn the volume down?
My one tip: turn the volume down
- Picture the critical voice as a dialogue coming at you. See the words, as if they're on a screen or coming out of a radio.
- Turn the volume down. Deliberately, the way you would on a radio. You're not arguing with it or trying to win. You're simply making it softer, so it stops filling the room.
- Turn towards yourself with kindness. In the space that opens up, ask what you actually need right now, and give yourself that instead.
This comes from hypnotherapy, and many people find it works when arguing with the voice doesn't. The aim isn't to silence it for good. It's to move it from the centre of the room to the edge.
Why is it worse when grief hits your body?
Grief isn't only a thought. It's a whole-body experience, and it can hit you physically, like a wave. What's easy to miss is that the body often sends a message along with that wave, and the message is frequently harsh.
So the critic tends to show up on the back of a physical surge rather than out of nowhere. Knowing that helps you prepare. The more soothing habits you have ready, such as slow breathing, music, going outside or yoga, the better you'll weather the wave and the voice that comes with it.
Being with other people who are grieving helps too.
seeing yourself in other people can help you be compassionate for yourself.
— From my answer in the video
When you hear someone else being cruel to themselves, it's suddenly obvious how unfair it is. That recognition is often the first time people manage to offer themselves the same understanding.
How Grief Works can help
In the Grief Works programme, Session 9, Working through guilt, helps with the self-blame that so often comes with grief, Session 17, Journaling, gives you a simple way to catch what you're telling yourself, and Session 24, New relationship with yourself, helps you rebuild a kinder way of being with yourself. Our counsellors are available by 1-to-1 chat from 9am to 9pm every day.
If you need to talk to someone now
- Samaritans: 116 123, free, day or night
- Shout: text SHOUT to 85258, free, 24/7
- Cruse Bereavement Support: 0808 808 1677
Common questions
Why do I keep blaming myself for their death?
Why do I feel like I should be over it by now?
How can I be kinder to myself while grieving?
How we wrote and reviewed this article
Julia Samuel MBE wrote this article from her own answer in the filmed conversation above, adding research and practical guidance. Lines marked "From my answer in the video" are her words as she spoke them.
Sources
- Julia Samuel, Grief Works live session talk, "Soothing Your Inner Critic While Grieving", August 2025 (video, 5 minutes)
- M. D. Lieberman, N. I. Eisenberger, M. J. Crockett, S. M. Tom, J. H. Pfeifer and B. M. Way (2007), "Putting feelings into words: affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli", Psychological Science, 18(5)
- K. D. Neff (2003), "Self-compassion: an alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself", Self and Identity, 2(2)
Article history
- 6 November 2026: Published
About the author
Written by
Julia Samuel MBE
Psychotherapist and co-creator of Grief Works
One of the world's most respected grief psychotherapists, with over 35 years' experience. Former Vice President of the BACP, MBE for services to the bereaved, Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK, and bestselling author of Grief Works and This Too Shall Pass.
