Ask Julia: Why am I so angry since they died?

Anger is one of the most common feelings in grief, and one of the least talked about. Why it's what hurt sounds like, why people back away from it, and the four steps I suggest for letting it out.

Written by

Julia Samuel MBE

4 November 20265 min readWritten by a grief psychotherapist

Illustration: a saucepan boiling over on the worktop, its lid lifted off by the steam and froth running down the side

In this article

Key takeaways

Anger is a very common response to death. You can be angry with the world, with the person who died, with God, and with the people trying to help.
Anger is an expression of hurt. Fear is about being hurt in the future; anger is about the hurt that has already happened.
It's a natural, healthy response, so the first step is to stop turning on yourself for feeling it.
My four steps: write it down, release it through your body, watch something funny, then breathe.
Anger that's pushed down tends to flatten every other feeling, and over time it can lead to very low mood.
If you're with someone who is angry, don't try to stop them. Reflect back what they're angry about.

In one of the short talks I record for our Grief Works live sessions, I spoke about anger. Feeling angry after someone dies is very common, and it isn't a sign you're grieving badly. Anger is an expression of hurt. When someone you love dies, the hurt has already landed, and anger is a natural, healthy response to it.

3 min 22 sec · Filmed Grief Works conversation

Read the full conversation

Julia: And I think anger is one of the kind of emotions that has a very bad press. And I think even when you're grieving, people sort of don't want you to be angry because it's harder, because emotions are contagious. And when you're angry, it's transmitted out to others. When you want people to move towards you, they tend to retreat. So I tell you what I think helps with anger. First of all, recognizing that anger is an expression of hurt, like, oh, I'm hurting. Whereas fear is an expression of I'm going to be hurt, you know, don't hurt me. And it's a natural wired response to when we're hurt. And so it's a healthy response. So I guess the first thing is to not turn on yourself for being angry, which I think often happens with grief. And then find your ways of expressing anger that work for you. So there's a kind of four step thing that I think helps. And it can be journaling what you're angry about. And it doesn't have to be a coherent sentence, it can just be kind of scrawl or you know that where you're hurting and where you hurt in your body and why you're hurt. And then once you've kind of connected the feeling, the thoughts, and you've put it in a journal, then it's really good to do something that releases a sensation in your body. So it may be punching a pillow. I always think, obviously, because I say it every time, go outside, move your body, kind of kick your legs in front. If it's in the summer, which it isn't right now, but if you're somewhere where it's warm and there's water, you can go in a pool and kick your legs, just release it. But that in itself can amp your anger. So there's a step after you've released it, which is to watch something funny. So you've released this, you've named the anger, you've released the sensation of anger. And then you watch something funny and that switches you to a different network so you feel calmer. And then do a kind of five minute, do the breathing exercise on the app. And that combination will incrementally release the anger out of your system and allow other feelings to come through. Because anger, if you suppress it, I think affects all the other feelings. And I think over time, suppressed anger can lead to very low mood, even to depression. So I do think we need to find healthy ways of expressing it. If you're with someone who is angry, don't try and stop them being angry. Just reflect back, you know what they're angry about. I understand that you're angry about this, this and this is that right? And actually being heard for when you're angry and allowed to be angry is also very kind of calming. So if there's anyone in your life that can listen to you while you're angry, maybe you can stomp and be angry and they can just listen. That is very helpful as well.

Transcribed automatically; may contain small errors.

The trouble is that anger has a very bad press, even in grief. People find it hard to be near, and the urge to hide it can make it worse.

Is it normal to feel angry when someone dies?

Yes. Anger is one of the most common feelings in grief, and there's often a great deal to be angry about. In the Grief Works programme I list some of the places it tends to land. You can be angry with:

the world, especially if the death came too soon
the person who died
God, and you may find yourself questioning your faith
the people trying to help you, especially if they're saying all the wrong things
people who still have what you've lost

This kind of anger rarely arrives as a quick flash. It tends to linger and simmer underneath, then bubble up in ways that surprise you: snapping at someone in a shop, raging at a parking ticket, feeling furious with a friend who complains about her husband.

What is anger actually telling you?

anger is an expression of hurt, like, oh, I'm hurting. Whereas fear is an expression of I'm going to be hurt
— From my answer in the video

Fear looks ahead, at what might still happen to you. Anger looks at what already has. If someone you love has died, you've been hurt in the deepest way there is, and anger is a wired response to that. It's a healthy response, not a flaw in your character.

So the first thing I'd ask is that you don't turn on yourself for being angry. That happens a lot in grief. People feel the anger, then feel ashamed of it, and end up carrying two painful feelings instead of one.

Why does anger push people away?

Part of what makes anger so lonely is how other people respond to it.

emotions are contagious. And when you're angry, it's transmitted out to others. When you want people to move towards you, they tend to retreat.
— From my answer in the video

That isn't anyone's fault. It's simply how anger works in a room. But it's worth knowing, because it explains why the angriest weeks of grief can also be the loneliest. It's also why so many people learn to swallow their anger, which is the one thing that reliably makes it harder.

Anger can also show up as something I call competitive mourning, where we compare our pain with other people's to justify how we're feeling. Grief can't be weighed or measured, though, and comparing only makes us angrier and more isolated.

How can you let anger out safely?

My one tip: four steps, in this order

Write down what you're angry about. It doesn't have to make sense, and a scrawl is fine. Note where you're hurting, where you feel it in your body, and why.
Release it through your body. Punch a pillow, go outside and walk fast, kick your legs out in front of you. If you're somewhere warm, get in a pool and kick.
Then watch something funny. Releasing anger can stir it up, so this step brings you back down. It switches you onto a different track, and you end up calmer rather than more wound up.
Finish with five minutes of slow breathing. In for four, out for six, or use the breathing guide in the Grief Works programme.

Done together, these let the anger out of your system bit by bit, and make room for the other feelings underneath it.

The order matters. Naming a feeling helps on its own: in one well-known brain-imaging study, simply putting feelings into words calmed activity in the amygdala, the brain's alarm system. And laughing isn't a betrayal of grief. When the psychologists Dacher Keltner and George Bonanno studied people whose partner had died, genuine laughter while talking about them went with less anger and distress, and drew warmer responses from other people.

What happens if you keep anger in?

anger, if you suppress it, I think affects all the other feelings. And I think over time, suppressed anger can lead to very low mood, even to depression.
— From my answer in the video

Venting doesn't tend to work either. Shouting at people can feel satisfying in the moment, but it usually leads to more anger. What helps is finding the core of what you're angry about and expressing it in a way you feel in control of. I've written before about what happens to grief that's pushed down, and anger follows the same rule.

How can you help someone who is angry in their grief?

If you're with someone who's angry, don't try to stop them being angry. Reflect back what they're angry about instead: "I understand that you're angry about this, this and this," and check you've got it right.

being heard for when you're angry and allowed to be angry is also very kind of calming.
— From my answer in the video

And if you're the one who's angry, it helps enormously to have someone in your life who can simply listen while you stomp about and let it out.

How Grief Works can help

In the Grief Works programme, Session 6, Managing anger, looks at the different places anger lands in grief and helps you find the outlet that works for you, and Session 17, Journaling, gives you a simple way to get it onto the page. Our counsellors are available by 1-to-1 chat from 9am to 9pm every day.

Learn more about the Grief Works programme

If you need to talk to someone now

Samaritans: 116 123, free, day or night
Shout: text SHOUT to 85258, free, 24/7
Cruse Bereavement Support: 0808 808 1677

Common questions

Is it normal to be angry at the person who died?

Yes. Being angry with the person who died is very common, and it doesn't cancel out your love for them. You can miss someone desperately and be furious with them at the same time. Finding a safe way to express it, such as writing it down or talking it through, helps it ease.

Why am I angry with people who are trying to help?

Grief leaves you raw, and people often say the wrong thing. Anger at friends and family who mean well is very common, particularly when their comfort sounds like a rush to make you feel better. It can help to tell one or two people what you actually need from them.

Does anger in grief ever go away?

For most people it eases as it's expressed. Anger that's acknowledged and let out safely, through writing, movement or being listened to, tends to soften over time. Anger that's held in tends to linger and can turn into low mood, so it's worth finding an outlet early.

How we wrote and reviewed this article

Julia Samuel MBE wrote this article from her own answer in the filmed conversation above, adding research and practical guidance. Lines marked "From my answer in the video" are her words as she spoke them.

Sources

Julia Samuel, Grief Works live session talk, "Why It's Okay to Feel Angry (And What to Do With It)", March 2026 (video, 3 minutes)
Julia Samuel, Grief Works programme: Session 6: Managing anger
M. D. Lieberman, N. I. Eisenberger, M. J. Crockett, S. M. Tom, J. H. Pfeifer and B. M. Way (2007), "Putting feelings into words: affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli", Psychological Science, 18(5)
D. Keltner and G. A. Bonanno (1997), "A study of laughter and dissociation: distinct correlates of laughter and smiling during bereavement", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(4)

Article history

4 November 2026: Published