Why does nothing feel worth doing since my partner died?

When getting out of bed feels pointless, you may be caught in what Julia Samuel calls the futility cycle. Why it happens, why it can arrive months later, and a simple way to break it this week.

Written by

Nick Begley

Reviewed by

Julia Samuel MBE
Updated 4 min readReviewed for care and accuracy
Illustration: a pair of trainers with their laces undone, waiting on a doormat
In this article

Key takeaways

  • Feeling that nothing is worth doing is a recognised emotion of grief. Julia Samuel calls it futility.
  • It comes from losing the future you imagined with your partner, and it can start months after the death.
  • Futility feeds itself: the less you do, the more hopeless you feel.
  • The way out is small, deliberate activity. Research on depression backs this up.
  • Pick one thing you've stopped doing, shrink it to a step you can take this week, and notice when you manage it.
September has a new term feeling. Everyone around you seems to be starting things: evening classes, fresh routines, plans for the autumn. If you can't find a reason to do any of it, and nothing has felt worth doing since your partner died, from cooking a meal to seeing friends, you're experiencing one of the most common and least talked about emotions of grief. In the Grief Works programme, Julia Samuel calls it futility, and explains that it has a very specific cause.

Futility comes from a lack of hope. Hope is about looking to the future and believing it will be better than today. But death robs us of the future we imagined.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 10: From futility to hopefulness

When your partner dies, the plans you made together go with them: the retirement, the holidays, growing old side by side. Without that picture of the future, it's natural to ask "why bother?"

Why it can arrive later

Many people are caught off guard by futility, because it doesn't always show up in the first weeks. "Sometimes this futility only kicks in later," Julia writes, often surprising people with its delayed start and how long it lasts. You may have coped through the funeral and the paperwork, only to find six months on that you can't face anything at all. That isn't a setback. It's grief reaching a different layer.

Grief is also physically exhausting, so everything costs more energy than it used to. As Julia puts it, you see less value in doing things just as the cost of doing them has gone up.

The futility cycle

Futility can create a vicious cycle where the more hopeless we feel, the less we do, and the more the hopelessness grows. It sounds simple, but the most effective way to counter this inactivity is with activity.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 10: From futility to hopefulness

This is supported by research into depression. Behavioural activation, a therapy built on scheduling small, meaningful activities even when motivation is low, performed as well as antidepressant medication for many people with more severe depression in a large trial led by Sona Dimidjian. The feeling of wanting to do things often follows the doing, not the other way round.

The key is to start very small. Julia warns against going from struggling to get out of bed to forcing yourself on a day trip. Build up a little at a time.

How to break the futility cycle this week

  1. List three things you've stopped doing since your partner died. Going to the gym, cooking properly, meeting a friend for coffee, gardening.
  2. Pick one you'd like to do again.
  3. Shrink it to a step you can take this week. Not "get fit", but "walk to the end of the road on Tuesday". Not "see friends", but "text one friend about coffee".
  4. Decide how you'll mark it when you do it: your favourite takeaway, a film, buying yourself flowers.
  5. Write down three small things you're looking forward to, such as a morning coffee or the sun on your face, and why.
  6. If you don't manage it, make the step smaller. That's part of the process, not a failure.

Let the good moments in

As activity builds, moments of hope and even enjoyment start to return. Many bereaved partners feel guilty when that happens and shut them down. Julia describes these feelings as flowers after a harsh winter, fragile at first and easily crushed by guilt. Having moments of positivity doesn't take anything away from your grief or your love for your partner.

Keep encouraging yourself and celebrating your progress, even if it's for something that feels trivial.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 10: From futility to hopefulness

If you feel hopeless most of the day, nearly every day, for more than a couple of weeks, or you have thoughts of not wanting to be here, please speak to your GP or one of the services below.

How Grief Works can help

Session 10, From futility to hopefulness, explains the futility cycle, and its practice, Breaking the futility cycle, walks you through choosing and planning your first small steps. Session 20, A structure of good habits, helps you build them into a weekly routine. Our counsellors are available by 1-to-1 chat from 9am to 9pm every day.

Learn more about the Grief Works programme

If you need to talk to someone now

Common questions

Is it normal to lose motivation after your partner dies?

Yes. Feeling that nothing is worth doing is a common emotion of grief, which Julia Samuel calls futility. It comes from losing the future you imagined, and it can begin months after the death.

How do I get motivated again after a bereavement?

Start with activity rather than waiting for motivation. Choose one thing you've stopped doing, break it into a very small step for this week, and mark it when you manage it. Motivation often follows action.

When is loss of motivation in grief a sign of depression?

If you feel hopeless most of the day, nearly every day, for more than two weeks, have stopped eating or sleeping properly, or have thoughts of not wanting to live, speak to your GP or a helpline.

How we wrote and reviewed this article

This article was written by Nick Begley and reviewed for care, accuracy and tone by Julia Samuel MBE. Every quote from Julia is taken word for word from her books, the Grief Works programme, her writing or recorded sessions.

Sources

Article history

  • 17 September 2026: Updated and reviewed by Julia Samuel MBE
  • 1 September 2026: Published

About the authors

Written by

Nick Begley

Co-founder and Head of Research, Grief Works

Co-founder of Grief Works and former Head of Research at Headspace, a digital mental-health specialist whose tools have helped millions.

Reviewed by

Julia Samuel MBE

Psychotherapist and co-creator of Grief Works

One of the world's most respected grief psychotherapists, with over 35 years' experience. Former Vice President of the BACP, MBE for services to the bereaved, Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK, and bestselling author of Grief Works and This Too Shall Pass.

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