Where can I find support after my partner dies? Counselling, helplines and people who understand

The research on bereavement is strikingly consistent: the people around us, and the connection we feel with them, make a real difference to how we cope. Julia puts it plainly:

Although it can be tempting to shut ourselves away, I believe the single most important factor in working through grief is social support.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 12: Love and support

Dealing with pain requires work on many different levels, both physical and psychological. It is not possible to do this work on our own. Love from others is key in helping us to survive the love we have lost.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, Introduction

This guide brings together the support available in the UK, what each option is best for, and how to access it.

Bereavement helplines

• Cruse Bereavement Support, the UK's largest bereavement charity. Free national helpline: 0808 808 1677. Cruse can also connect you with local support in many areas.
• Marie Curie offers free telephone bereavement support, plus practical guides.
• At a Loss is a UK signposting website to help you find bereavement services near you.

Bereavement counselling: NHS and free options

Through your GP or the NHS. In England, NHS Talking Therapies is free and you can refer yourself online without seeing your GP. Search "NHS Talking Therapies" and your area. Be aware that services vary: some areas don't take referrals for grief alone and will signpost you to a charity, and waiting times can be several months. Your GP can also talk through options with you, and is especially important if you're struggling to function, sleep or eat.

Through charities. Cruse offers support in many areas. Sue Ryder offers free online bereavement support through a short digital triage that guides you to the right level of help; its online counselling service has had very high demand, so check current availability.

Through a hospice. If your partner died in a hospice, or was supported by one, ask about its bereavement service. Many hospices offer support to families, often for a year or more.

Privately. If you can afford it, a private counsellor or psychotherapist can see you quickly. Look for someone registered with a professional body such as the BACP, and ask about their experience with bereavement.

Do I need counselling?

Not everyone does, and that's worth saying.

It is important to point out that counselling is by no means the only form of support. Talking to friends, writing a journal, painting. Whatever the route, the important thing is to find a way of expressing the grief.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, "When a Partner Dies"

Research shows that most bereaved people, over time, find their way to living with their loss with the support of the people around them. But for a minority, grief becomes stuck. This is often called prolonged grief, and it is recognised and treatable. It's worth speaking to your GP or a specialist if, many months on:

• the pain and yearning feel as intense as in the first weeks, with no let-up
• you can't manage everyday life, work or looking after yourself
• you're avoiding everything connected with your partner, or thinking about little else
• you're drinking more or relying on something to get through
• you feel life isn't worth living. If that's you, please don't wait: call Samaritans on 116 123 or speak to your GP today

People who understand: peer support

There's a particular kind of relief in being with people who have lost a partner too.

And I do think that one of the very best resources for you is the connection with each other, because there's a level of understanding, however different your loss is, the circumstances, the relationship, there's a kind of knowing that you can see and understand in each other

— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking at the Grief Works talk "Finding Connection When Grief Feels Lonely"

Options to explore:

• WAY Widowed and Young is a UK peer-support network for anyone whose partner died before they turned 51, married or not, with or without children. You can remain a member after your 51st birthday. There's an annual membership fee, with help available for those who need it.
• Sue Ryder Online Bereavement Community is free, moderated and open 24/7, and you can post anonymously.
• Local bereavement groups, including walking groups and bereavement cafés, are often run by hospices, Cruse, churches and community centres.
• Online groups for bereaved partners, especially on Facebook, can be a lifeline; choose moderated groups and step away if one leaves you feeling worse.

Julia also suggests joining something that's already in the diary, so you don't have to organise it: a walking group, a choir, a book club.

When friends and family disappear

Many people find support drops away a few weeks after the funeral, just as the reality is landing.

Try to remember to make contact and be supportive after everyone else has gone. Usually three months following the death, people get back to their lives, as they should. But it is by no means over for the person who is bereaved.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, "How Friends and Family Can Help"

It's rarely because people don't care. Julia explains:

Death isn't catching, but those who are bereaved might think so, judging by the fear they see in other people's eyes. People are frightened about whether to come forward, about what to say, about saying the wrong thing. So, in the end, they say nothing.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, "How Friends and Family Can Help"

Sometimes the people you expected to show up don't, and people you weren't close to do. Put your energy where it's returned, be specific about what you need, and consider sharing a guide like our article on asking for help with the friends who want to get it right.

Loneliness, even with people around you

Losing a partner brings a particular loneliness that company doesn't always touch:

I'm not sure that it's possible to overcome the loneliness. I think that sense of space where your partner was can't be really filled with busyness or other people. I think it is a kind of loneliness that you can be with lots of people and you'll still feel it because it's that particular person, their particular presence, that presence of absence that you're missing.

— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking at the Grief Works Community Get-Together "Death of a Partner"

That doesn't mean connection doesn't help. It means it helps you bear the loneliness, rather than removing it. Julia's advice when you most want to withdraw is to treat that urge as a signal to take one small step towards someone.