How do I tell my children their mum or dad has died, and help them grieve?

This is one of the hardest conversations a person can have, and you're having it while in shock yourself. There's no perfect way to do it. But the evidence, and Julia's decades of work with bereaved families as Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK, are consistent on the essentials.

Why the truth matters, even for young children

The instinct to protect children from the facts is completely understandable. The problem is that children fill the silence with their own explanations.

The message that I want to present consistently throughout this book is that children need to be given as much information as adults, and it should be conveyed in age-appropriate and concrete language. What they don't know, they tend to make up, and what they make up can be much worse than the truth, for their imaginations can be haunting and limitless.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, "Supporting Bereaved Children"

Julia also warns that well-meant protection can have a long shadow:

It feels too sad and scary, but research shows that children experience that protection as an exclusion. As a result, when those children grow up, they may well be carrying around resentment towards their surviving parent.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, "Supporting Bereaved Children"

What to say

Should my child go to the funeral?

In most cases, yes, with preparation and a choice. Explain beforehand what will happen, including what a coffin is, what burial or cremation means, where people will sit, that people may cry. Some families visit the venue the day before. Ask a trusted adult to be there specifically for your child, so they can step out if they need to.

Even if very young children go to the funeral and have no memory of it when they're older, they may still be glad to know that they were included; I've never known a child regret having gone.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, "Supporting Bereaved Children"

Children can also be offered the chance to see the body, if that's possible. It shouldn't be forced, they can change their minds, and it helps if you see the body first so you can tell them what to expect.

How children grieve at different ages

To very young children, death is an abstract concept and they don't understand it to be permanent, while primary schoolchildren do grasp the irreversibility of it, and teenagers often find it complicates the struggles of adolescence that they're already grappling with.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, "Supporting Bereaved Children"

Children's grief often looks very different from adults'. It comes in short, intense bursts:

The metaphor commonly used for children's grief is that it is like jumping in and out of puddles. When they are sad they jump in the puddle, and cry, or become withdrawn, or get very cross. Then, once they've been comforted, they jump out of the puddle and happily return to their games.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, "Supporting Bereaved Children"

A child happily playing an hour after being told isn't a child who doesn't care. It's a child pacing grief in the only way they can. Some children show little reaction at first and grieve months, or even a year or two, later. And as children grow up, significant birthdays and milestones can bring the loss back to be understood again at a new age. That isn't unfinished grieving; it's how childhood grief works.

Helping a teenager whose mum or dad has died

Teenagers understand death fully, but they're also working out who they are, and grief can get tangled up with that. They may:

• hide their feelings to protect you, or because they don't want to seem different from friends
• seem angry, withdrawn or reckless
• throw themselves into friends, school or social media
• feel pressure to become "the man of the house" or to look after younger siblings

What helps:

• Talk side by side, not face to face: in the car, on a walk, cooking together.
• Tell them the truth, including the details they ask for, and include them in decisions about the funeral and what happens to their parent's things.
• Don't hand them adult responsibilities. Say it out loud: "You don't need to look after me. That's my job, and other adults are helping me."
• Expect friends and online spaces to matter hugely. The Grief Works programme notes that, particularly for young people, social media can be a helpful way to share feelings and gather memories.
• Let the school know, and ask if there's a named adult your teenager can go to.

Parenting while you're grieving yourself

This is one of the heaviest parts of losing a partner. Julia names it directly:

Many people define themselves in relation to their partners, and subsequently when that partner dies they fear they will fall apart. Their grief is emotional and physical, severely disrupting the stability of their world. And one of the most painful aspects of losing a partner is having to parent alone.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, "When a Partner Dies"

You don't have to hide your grief from your children. In fact, it helps them to see it:

Children learn to grieve by observing the adults around them. If they see their parent expressing their sadness and then getting on with their tasks, they will know it's possible for them to do that too

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, "Supporting Bereaved Children"

Adults often feel emotionally young when they are grieving and want to be looked after themselves; finding their own support is essential to their successful parenting of their children.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, "Supporting Bereaved Children"

Books that can help

Picture books and workbooks give children words for feelings and give you a way in. Child bereavement charities recommend titles by age. Many families find these helpful:

• Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine (Winston's Wish), an activity book for younger children
• Badger's Parting Gifts by Susan Varley, for younger children
• The Invisible String by Patrice Karst, about staying connected to someone you love

Child Bereavement UK and Winston's Wish both have booklists for different ages, including teenagers.