Why don't people realise how much I'm still grieving my partner?
Friends see you back at work and think you're through the worst. Julia Samuel's iceberg of grief explains why they're only seeing a third of it, and what to say when they ask.
Written by
Nick Begley
Reviewed by
Julia Samuel MBE
In this article
Key takeaways
- Julia Samuel uses the image of an iceberg: what other people see is the top third of your grief. Most of it is under the water.
- That's why friends, family and colleagues often expect you to be further along than you are.
- Modern life adds pressure to "bounce back" in a way earlier generations didn't.
- You know your grief best. Keep your timeframes short, and make allowances for how much is going on beneath the surface.
- It helps to tell people plainly what you need, because they can't see it.
People often don't realise how much you're still grieving because they can only see a small part of it. You've gone back to work, you answer messages, you laugh at a joke. What they can't see is the exhaustion, the sleeplessness and the hours spent missing your partner. Julia Samuel describes this as the iceberg of grief.
The iceberg of grief
In Session 14 of the Grief Works programme, Julia explains that grief takes up far more time and energy than anyone can see from the outside. The top third of the iceberg is how you look and how you behave. The rest is below the waterline.
This is where most of the pain and turmoil is happening.
— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 14: Relationship with time
So when someone says "you seem to be doing so well", they may be right about the part they can see. It's the other two thirds that are taking everything you've got.
Why people expect you to be further along
Part of it is simply what's visible. Part of it is culture. Victorian widows wore mourning dress for years, which told everyone around them that grief was long and all encompassing. Today there are no such signals, and there's a lot of pressure to get back to normal.
With the rapid pace of modern life, we feel more pressure to be strong and 'bounce back', perhaps before we're ready.
— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 14: Relationship with time
People who care about you usually want you to be happy again, and that wish can come out as impatience. It isn't a verdict on how you're grieving.
Sometimes other people who can only see the tip of the iceberg expect recovery and adjustment to be faster and smoother than it is. But you know your grief best and how much time and help is right for you.
— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 14: Relationship with time
Make allowances for yourself
The iceberg matters for how you treat yourself, too. If most of your energy is going on grief, you can't expect to keep up with everything you managed before.
It's important to recognise how much is going on under the surface, and to make allowances for yourself.
— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 14: Relationship with time
Julia's advice is to stop measuring yourself against months or years ahead: "my advice is to keep your skyline short." Think about today, and this week.
What to say when people can't see it
- When someone says you seem better: "Thank you. It's still with me most of the time, even when it doesn't show."
- When someone suggests you should be over it: "Grief doesn't run to a timetable. I'm doing it at the pace I need."
- When a colleague asks how you are: "Some days are harder than they look. Today is one of those."
- When you want practical help: name one thing. "Could you come for dinner on Sunday? Weekends are hard."
- When you want them to keep talking about your partner: say so. "I love it when people mention him."
- Choose one person to tell the whole truth to, the part under the water.
How Grief Works can help
Session 14, Relationship with time, introduces the iceberg and helps you keep your timeframes short, with a body scan to bring you back to the present. Session 12, Love and support, helps you ask for what you need, and the get support from others tool helps you plan who to lean on. Our counsellors are available by 1-to-1 chat from 9am to 9pm every day.
If you need to talk to someone now
- Samaritans: 116 123, free, day or night
- Cruse Bereavement Support: 0808 808 1677
Common questions
What is the iceberg of grief?
Why do people expect me to be over my grief?
How do I tell people I'm still grieving?
How we wrote and reviewed this article
This article was written by Nick Begley and reviewed for care, accuracy and tone by Julia Samuel MBE. Every quote from Julia is taken word for word from her books, the Grief Works programme, her writing or recorded sessions.
Sources
- Julia Samuel, Grief Works programme: Session 12: Love and support; Session 14: Relationship with time
Article history
- 17 September 2026: Updated and reviewed by Julia Samuel MBE
- 8 September 2026: Published
About the authors
Written by
Nick Begley
Co-founder and Head of Research, Grief Works
Co-founder of Grief Works and former Head of Research at Headspace, a digital mental-health specialist whose tools have helped millions.
Reviewed by
Julia Samuel MBE
Psychotherapist and co-creator of Grief Works
One of the world's most respected grief psychotherapists, with over 35 years' experience. Former Vice President of the BACP, MBE for services to the bereaved, Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK, and bestselling author of Grief Works and This Too Shall Pass.
