Going back to work after your partner dies: your rights and what to ask for

What the law gives you, how to talk to your manager, what to say to colleagues, and how to get through the first weeks back without pretending you're fine.

Written by

Nick Begley

Reviewed by

Julia Samuel MBE
Updated 6 min readReviewed for care and accuracy
Illustration: a work lanyard and ID card beside a travel card wallet on a hall table
In this article

Key takeaways

  • In the UK you have a legal right to a "reasonable" amount of time off to deal with the death of a dependant, including a partner. Your employer doesn't have to pay you for it.
  • There's no statutory paid bereavement leave when an adult dies. Many employers offer compassionate leave anyway, so check your contract or policy.
  • If grief means you're not well enough to work, sick leave is an option. Talk to your GP.
  • Before you go back, agree a plan with your manager: a phased return, adjusted hours or duties, what colleagues will be told, and somewhere to go if a wave hits.
  • Expect your concentration to be lower than usual for a while. It's a normal effect of grief, not a sign you can't do your job.
When your partner dies, UK law gives you the right to reasonable time off to deal with the death, but it doesn't have to be paid, and there's no fixed number of days. Many employers offer paid compassionate leave on top, and sick leave is an option if you're not well enough to work. When you do go back, the most helpful thing is a clear, agreed plan: a gradual return, adjusted expectations, and a say in what colleagues are told.

In our community, going back to work is one of the moments people dread most. Some find that work gives shape to the day and a break from grief. Others find themselves holding it together at their desk and falling apart in the car park. Many experience both in the same week. Either way, you're doing something hard, and you're entitled to ask for what makes it more manageable.

What are my rights to time off when my partner dies?

  • Time off for dependants. You have the right to a reasonable amount of time off to deal with an emergency involving a dependant, such as a spouse, civil partner or partner. That includes arrangements after their death. There's no set amount of time; it depends on the situation.
  • Pay. Your employer may pay you for this time, but they don't have to.
  • Statutory bereavement leave. There isn't a legal right to paid bereavement leave when an adult dies. (Parental Bereavement Leave applies only when a child under 18 dies.)
  • Compassionate leave. Many employers have their own policy, often paid. Check your contract, staff handbook or HR intranet, or ask HR directly.
  • Sick leave. If grief is affecting your health and you're not fit to work, sick leave is an option. You can self-certify for the first seven days; after that your employer will usually ask for a fit note from your GP.

Acas, the government-funded employment advice service, encourages employers to be sensitive to what each person needs, to be consistent, and to confirm decisions in writing. That's worth asking for too.

Why work feels so much harder right now

Grief uses an enormous amount of mental energy, even on days when you look fine from the outside. Julia uses the image of an iceberg in the Grief Works programme:

Grieving takes up a lot of time and energy. Much of our capacity for doing other things will be taken up with what's going on 'under the surface'. I often use the metaphor of an iceberg. The top 1/3 of the iceberg is what's on the surface, what you look like, and how you behave, but the bulk of your grief is two thirds of the iceberg hidden under the water.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 14: Relationship with time

Colleagues see the top third. You're carrying the rest. That's why concentration, memory and patience are often lower for a while, and why a normal workload can feel impossible. It is a temporary effect of grief, and it's reasonable to plan around it.

Before you go back: agree a plan with your manager

How to do it

  1. Ask for a conversation before your first day, by phone or video if coming in feels too much. You can bring someone from HR, or a colleague you trust.
  2. Discuss a phased return: shorter days or fewer days at first, building up over a few weeks.
  3. Adjust the work, not just the hours: fewer meetings, no big presentations or high-stakes deadlines for now, someone to double-check important work.
  4. Agree what colleagues will be told, by whom, and whether you're happy for people to mention your partner.
  5. Ask for a "step-out" arrangement: permission to take a break without explaining, and a private place to go.
  6. Put it in writing and set a date to review it after two or three weeks.
  7. Ask about support: an Employee Assistance Programme, occupational health, or flexible working if you now have sole caring responsibilities.

What to say to colleagues

Most people don't know what to say, so they say nothing, and silence can feel like your partner has been erased. Julia is clear in the programme that saying something is almost always kinder:

People find it awkward to talk about death as they don't want to say the wrong thing. But often the worst thing is not saying anything at all.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 12: Love and support

You can make it easier for them by setting the tone. A short message sent before you return can do this for you. For example:

  • "Thank you for all your kindness. I'm coming back on Monday. I'm happy for you to mention [name], because it helps to hear it, but I may not want to talk for long."
  • "I'd rather keep things normal for now. A simple 'good to have you back' is perfect."
  • "I might need to step out now and then. If I do, I'm OK. I just need a minute."

And for the moment in the corridor when someone asks how you are: "Some days are better than others. Thanks for asking." is honest, and it's enough. Julia's one piece of advice here is not to pretend:

I think what you never want to do is say you're fine when you're not, because I think that somehow denies your own feeling for yourself. And I think you feel bad about that in yourself afterwards.

— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking at the Grief Works Community Get-Together "Navigating Grief at Work"

Getting through the first weeks back

A plan for the first month

  1. Lower the bar on purpose. Aim to do a good-enough job, not your best-ever job.
  2. Write everything down. Lists, notes after meetings, reminders on your phone. Let the notebook do the remembering.
  3. Plan the hard moments: the first team meeting, the lunch break, the drive home. Decide in advance where you'll go if a wave comes.
  4. Protect your breaks. A 10-minute walk outside at lunchtime helps settle a body that's on alert.
  5. Watch for hiding in work. Staying late every night can feel like it helps, but it often stores the grief up for later.
  6. Review the plan with your manager after a few weeks. Adjust it if you need to, upwards or downwards.
Some people find they need more time before going back. Others go back and realise they returned too soon. Both are common, and neither means you've failed. Talk to your GP and your employer about what you need.

How Grief Works can help

Session 14, Relationship with time, explains why grief makes everything take longer. Session 16, Making "no" a positive, and the programme's tool to decide whether to say "yes" or "no" help you set workload limits without guilt. Many of the Grief Works tools take ten minutes or less, short enough for a lunch break, and our counsellors are available by 1-to-1 chat from 9am to 9pm every day.

Learn more about the Grief Works programme

Useful contacts

Common questions

Do you get bereavement leave when your partner dies in the UK?

You have a legal right to a reasonable amount of time off, which your employer doesn't have to pay, to deal with the death of a dependant, including a partner. There's no statutory paid bereavement leave when an adult dies, but many employers offer compassionate leave, so check your contract or ask HR.

Can I get a fit note for grief?

If grief means you're not well enough to work, talk to your GP. You can self-certify sickness for the first seven days; after that, employers usually ask for a fit note.

How do I go back to work after my partner dies?

Agree a plan with your manager before you return: a phased return, adjusted duties, what colleagues will be told, and permission to step out when you need to. Put it in writing and review it after a few weeks.

How we wrote and reviewed this article

This article was written by Nick Begley and reviewed for care, accuracy and tone by Julia Samuel MBE. Every quote from Julia is taken word for word from her books, the Grief Works programme, her writing or recorded sessions.

Sources

Article history

  • 17 September 2026: Updated and reviewed by Julia Samuel MBE
  • 13 August 2026: Published

About the authors

Written by

Nick Begley

Co-founder and Head of Research, Grief Works

Co-founder of Grief Works and former Head of Research at Headspace, a digital mental-health specialist whose tools have helped millions.

Reviewed by

Julia Samuel MBE

Psychotherapist and co-creator of Grief Works

One of the world's most respected grief psychotherapists, with over 35 years' experience. Former Vice President of the BACP, MBE for services to the bereaved, Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK, and bestselling author of Grief Works and This Too Shall Pass.

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