Sorting through your partner's belongings: when to start and how

Belongings come up constantly in our community. For many people the hardest moments aren't the big decisions but the small ambushes: their coat on the hook, their handwriting on a shopping list, the smell of a jumper. Julia is clear that there's no need to hurry:

Of course, it can be very sad to think of doing these things without them. There's no rush to do anything straight away.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Practice 23: Your touchstones

Why their things matter so much

Belongings hold the texture of a shared life. They carry smell, habit and memory in a way photographs don't. The programme notes that the senses are a powerful route to memory:

Senses, especially smell, can be powerful tools for stimulating memories.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 3: Filling in the pieces

Julia has explained why clearing things too soon can hurt so much:

The thing with stuff is it's imbued with the person that has died. And so when you get rid of stuff too soon, you feel like you're throwing parts of that person away that you don't want to throw away or you're kind of in some way disrespecting them or abandoning them.

— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking at a Grief Works Members' Meet-Up Q&A, September 2025

That's why sorting things can bring a wave of grief that feels like starting again. It isn't going backwards. It's part of the work of grieving, and you can choose when to do it.

How do I know I'm ready?

There's no test, but these can be signs:

• you're thinking about it with curiosity or tenderness, not only dread
• you'd like to give some things to people who would treasure them
• you need the space, or the belongings have become a painful obstacle
• you can imagine keeping a few precious things rather than losing everything

And these can be signs to wait:

• the thought of starting brings panic
• you're mainly doing it because someone else thinks you should
• you're very early in your grief and making many other big changes

Step by step

Choosing what to keep: touchstones

A helpful shift is to stop thinking of this as clearing out and start thinking of it as choosing. Which objects do you want to keep close? Julia recommends finding tangible ways to stay connected:

I really recommend externalising your relationship by doing tangible things that remind you of them. This could be going to their favourite beach, cooking their signature dish or wearing their treasured necklace.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 23: Staying connected

Ideas people find meaningful:

• Wearing something of theirs: a watch, a scarf, a jumper on hard days.
• A memory box for letters, cards, tickets and small objects.
• Something made from their clothes, such as a cushion or quilt.
• Giving a special item to someone who loved them, with a note explaining why.
• Keeping one thing in plain sight, like their mug or reading glasses, for as long as you want.

When others want you to hurry

Friends and family can mean well by suggesting it's "time" to clear things, or offering to "just get it done" for you. Some people find that hurtful. You're allowed to set the pace:

• "Thank you. I'm not ready yet, and I'll know when I am."
• "I'd love your help when I start, but I need to be the one to decide."

If other people have a say. Adult children, stepchildren or your partner's family may want particular items, or may disagree about timing. Where you can, agree in advance that nothing important is given away without talking first, and put disputed items in the "Not sure yet" box. If there's a will, some items may be covered by it; check before you give away anything valuable.

Practical things to handle first

Some belongings need attention sooner, for practical or legal reasons:

• Important documents: will, bank and pension papers, insurance, property deeds. Keep these together and safe.
• Valuables that form part of the estate, if probate is needed.
• Anything linked to accounts: phones, laptops, passwords. Don't wipe devices until you've checked what's needed.
• Rented homes or care-home rooms, which may have a deadline.

Everything else can wait.