Making decisions alone after losing your partner

Why decisions feel so frightening now, the "no big decisions in the first year" advice and when to break it, and a step-by-step way to decide without the person you always talked things through with.

Written by

Nick Begley

Reviewed by

Julia Samuel MBE
Updated 6 min readReviewed for care and accuracy
Illustration: a compass lying on a folded paper map
In this article

Key takeaways

  • Decisions feel harder after a partner dies because you've lost your sounding board, and because grief puts the body into a fear state that craves certainty.
  • Where you can, hold off on big, hard-to-reverse decisions, such as selling the house, for at least the first year. Julia's advice is that it's often longer than people give themselves permission for.
  • Sometimes a decision can't wait, for financial or practical reasons. That's okay; slow it down, write it down and get support.
  • Separate the feeling from the facts: "this feels scary" is not the same as "this is the wrong choice".
  • Build your own "decision panel": different people for different kinds of decision, standing in for the person you'd have asked.
After a partner dies, try to postpone big, hard-to-reverse decisions, such as moving house, selling property or major financial changes, for at least a year, unless money or practical circumstances make that impossible. When you do have to decide, slow down, write the question down, separate how scary it feels from what the facts are, ask different trusted people for help with different kinds of decision, and remind yourself that very few choices can't be adapted later.

For many people, this is one of the most disorienting parts of losing a partner. It isn't only the big decisions. It's the boiler, the car, the holiday, what to cook. You reach for the phone to ask them, and then remember.

Why decisions feel so hard now

Part of it is simply that you've lost the person you thought things through with. Part of it is what grief does to the brain and body. Julia explains:

So first of all, it is no decision is risk free. So I think particularly when grief feels so much like fear, you want to make a perfect decision and have the kind of absolute certainty on your side. And most decisions have uncertainty just built into them and so unpredictability.

— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking in the Grief Works talk "Learning to Make Decisions Alone"

Grief also reduces concentration and memory for a while, which makes weighing up options genuinely harder. The programme's practical advice for this state is simple: "if you have to make hard or complicated decisions, you may want to write things down as you go, and seek support from others."

"Don't make any big decisions in the first year"

You'll probably hear this, and it's generally good advice. In Grief Works, Julia writes:

Allow more time than is often expected to make decisions, both immediate ones such as the funeral (unless there are religious imperatives) and long-term, life ones.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, Pillars of Strength: Time

In a Grief Works Q&A, she was asked about the house specifically:

don't make very big decisions. Certainly in the first year, sort of 18 months. I think that's right. I think probably normally it's longer than we give people permission for. But you know, if it's necessary for financial reasons or it's just too big on your own, then you need to live the life, your present and your future.

— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking at a Grief Works Members' Meet-Up Q&A, March 2025

Notice both halves of that advice. Waiting is wise, but not at any cost. If staying put is unaffordable, or the house has become impossible to manage alone, a decision may need to be made sooner. Julia also warns about the opposite risk, of a home that becomes a shrine where you live only in the past, which can leave people stuck.

How to make a decision when you're grieving

A step-by-step approach

  1. Write down the actual question. Not "what do I do with my life?" but "Should I replace the car this year?"
  2. Ask: does this need deciding now? If not, write down when you'll revisit it, and let it go for now.
  3. Name the feeling separately from the facts. Julia's advice is "not to conflate feeling with fact". Let yourself notice it feels scary, then use your thinking mind to look at the question itself.
  4. List the options, including "wait" and "do a smaller version first".
  5. Ask the right person. Choose someone from your decision panel (below) for this kind of question.
  6. Check how reversible it is. Most decisions can be adjusted later. Give the irreversible ones the most time.
  7. Sleep on it. Never sign anything important on the day you're asked.
  8. Decide, and then be kind to yourself about it, whatever happens next.

Build your decision panel

One of the most practical ideas Julia offers is to spread the role your partner used to play across several people:

are there particular people, different people for different decision making aspects of your life that you can call on, you know, one person might be really good about money, somebody else might be really good about. Shall I go on this holiday?

— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking in the Grief Works talk "Learning to Make Decisions Alone"

Your decision panel

  • Money and paperwork: a financially sensible friend or relative, plus free independent advice (Citizens Advice, MoneyHelper) or a solicitor or regulated adviser for big financial decisions.
  • The house and practical jobs: someone handy and honest, who'll tell you what really needs doing now.
  • Family and relationships: someone who knows your family well and can see all sides.
  • Your wellbeing: the friend who knows how you're really doing and will tell you if you're taking on too much.
  • Everyday choices: anyone you trust enough to text "Blue or green?"

Most decisions aren't forever

When everything feels high-stakes, it's worth remembering:

The other one is that most decisions are not finite. You know, most decisions, you can use them to learn what you do next or what you need to do next, or you can adapt them and change them.

— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking in the Grief Works talk "Learning to Make Decisions Alone"

Julia compares making decisions alone for the first time to "learning to write with my left hand", which feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable but is something you can learn.

Fewer decisions, less exhaustion

A simple routine takes a surprising amount of pressure off. Julia puts it plainly:

I think it's really hard often making decisions when you're grieving so having a routine that you do a particular thing at a particular time protects you from having to make lots of decisions

— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking in the Grief Works talk "Finding Comfort in Routine"

Plan meals for the week, keep regular times for getting up and going to bed, and set one time a week for admin. Every decision you don't have to make is energy saved.

If you do decide to move

If you sell or leave the home you shared, consider giving it a proper goodbye. Julia has suggested going around the house, taking photographs, and having "a ritual of saying goodbye" to your partner and the house, being grateful for the time you had there, perhaps with a goodbye lunch where people bring food.

Watch out for pressure

Grieving people can be targets for rushed or unsuitable offers: property buyers, investment schemes, cold calls. Be wary of anyone who pushes you to decide quickly, and never agree to a big financial decision in a single conversation. It's always fine to say, "I'll get back to you when I've spoken to someone."

When you get it wrong

You will make some decisions you later wish you'd made differently. Everyone does, grieving or not.

you made the best decision that you could given who you were, given who you are, given what you knew at the time. And be compassionate with the decision that you made. Because none of us can look into the future.

— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking in the Grief Works talk "Learning to Make Decisions Alone"

How Grief Works can help

The Grief Works programme's tool to decide whether to say "yes" or "no" helps you pause before committing, and Session 16, Making "no" a positive, supports you in setting limits. Session 20, A structure of good habits, helps you build the routine that takes pressure off everyday choices, and the Practicalities guide covers the admin of a death. Our counsellors are available by 1-to-1 chat from 9am to 9pm every day when you need someone to think a decision through with.

Learn more about the Grief Works programme

Free, independent advice

Common questions

Should I sell the house after my partner dies?

Where you can, wait at least a year before big, hard-to-reverse decisions like selling the house. If money or practical circumstances make that impossible, slow the decision down, get independent advice, and involve people you trust.

How do I make decisions without my partner?

Write the question down, check whether it needs deciding now, separate how scary it feels from the facts, list your options, and ask a trusted person who is good with that kind of decision.

Where can I get free financial advice after a bereavement?

Citizens Advice and MoneyHelper, the government-backed guidance service, both offer free, independent help. For large financial decisions, a solicitor or regulated financial adviser can advise on your circumstances.

How we wrote and reviewed this article

This article was written by Nick Begley and reviewed for care, accuracy and tone by Julia Samuel MBE. Every quote from Julia is taken word for word from her books, the Grief Works programme, her writing or recorded sessions.

Sources

  • Julia Samuel, Grief Works (Penguin Life), Pillars of Strength: Time
  • Julia Samuel, Grief Works programme: Session 7: Dealing with numbness; Session 16: Making "no" a positive; Session 20: A structure of good habits
  • Grief Works talks "Learning to Make Decisions Alone" (February 2026) and "Finding Comfort in Routine" (September 2026); Members' Meet-Up Q&As (March and September 2025)

Article history

  • 17 September 2026: Updated and reviewed by Julia Samuel MBE
  • 6 September 2026: Published

About the authors

Written by

Nick Begley

Co-founder and Head of Research, Grief Works

Co-founder of Grief Works and former Head of Research at Headspace, a digital mental-health specialist whose tools have helped millions.

Reviewed by

Julia Samuel MBE

Psychotherapist and co-creator of Grief Works

One of the world's most respected grief psychotherapists, with over 35 years' experience. Former Vice President of the BACP, MBE for services to the bereaved, Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK, and bestselling author of Grief Works and This Too Shall Pass.

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