What to do when your partner dies: a UK checklist for the first weeks

I've spent most of my career studying how people cope under stress, and one finding holds up again and again: acute grief and shock reduce working memory and make complex decisions harder. That isn't a failing of character. It's what a nervous system does after a loss this large. So this checklist is designed to be used, not memorised. Print it, tick things off, and hand pages of it to the people offering help.

If you have to make hard or complicated decisions, you may want to write things down as you go, and seek support from others.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 7: Dealing with numbness

Before anything else: slow is allowed

In the first hours, a doctor or paramedic confirms the death. In England and Wales a medical examiner then checks the cause of death, and their office may call you, and you can ask them any questions you have. You can contact a funeral director as soon as you feel able; they are used to guiding people who have no idea where to start.

Julia is clear that grief keeps its own timetable, and so does admin. If the only thing you manage today is a cup of tea and a phone call to your sister, that is enough.

Try not to compare your grief to someone else's, or feel compelled to grieve in any one way, or at any particular pace.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 1: Grief does work

Step 1: Register the death

Rules differ in Northern Ireland, so check nidirect if your partner lived there.

Step 2: Use Tell Us Once

Tell Us Once is one of the most useful things the government does for bereaved people, and many people never hear about it. The registrar either completes it with you or gives you a unique reference number to use online or by phone. You must use it within 28 days of getting the number. It's available if your partner lived in England, Scotland or Wales. It isn't available if they lived in Northern Ireland or permanently abroad.

One call or form tells:

• HM Revenue and Customs
• the Department for Work and Pensions
• the Passport Office
• the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA)
• your local council
• Veterans UK, Social Security Scotland and some public sector pension schemes

Step 3: The people you still need to tell yourself

Tell Us Once doesn't reach private organisations. Work through this list over the coming weeks, not days:

• banks, building societies and mortgage providers
• insurance companies (life, home, car, travel)
• utility companies and your landlord, if you rent
• private and workplace pension schemes
• the Student Loans Company, if relevant
• the DVLA again, if you need to change who owns a vehicle
• HMRC again, for any business taxes such as VAT
• your partner's employer, and yours
• their GP surgery, dentist, and any subscriptions or memberships

A small thing that helps: a single notebook, or one folder on your phone, with the date, the organisation, the name of the person you spoke to and what they said. When your memory is foggy, the notebook remembers.

Step 4: Joint accounts, sole accounts and short-term money

GOV.UK is clear that money and shares owned jointly "automatically passes to the surviving owners unless they have agreed otherwise", and property owned as "joint tenants" does the same. In practice that usually means a joint current account stays usable. Accounts in your partner's sole name are normally frozen until the estate is dealt with.

If money is tight, look at our guide to money after your partner dies, and note one deadline now: if you're eligible for Bereavement Support Payment, claiming within 3 months of the death gets you the full amount.

Step 5: Do you need probate?

Probate is the legal right to deal with someone's estate. You may not need it if your partner only had savings, or if what they owned was held jointly with you. Each bank or organisation will tell you whether they need to see a grant of probate before releasing money.

If probate is needed:

• the executors named in the will apply, or, without a will, the closest living relative
• you'll need to estimate the value of the estate and check whether Inheritance Tax is due
• if Inheritance Tax is owed, it must be reported within one year using form IHT400

Probate is one of the places where paying for help can be a kindness to yourself. A solicitor, or free advice from Citizens Advice, can take a great deal off your plate.

Step 6: Hand things over

People will say "let me know if there's anything I can do". Take them at their word, and be specific. Give one friend the utilities list and a copy of the death certificate. Ask another to sit with you while you call the bank. Research on bereavement consistently finds that practical and emotional support from other people is one of the strongest predictors of how well we cope, and practical help counts.