How to create rituals and keepsakes that keep your partner close

For a long time, grief was described as a process of "letting go". The research no longer supports that. What most people need is not to sever the bond but to find a new form for it, one that lives in memory, ritual and meaning.

This is not denial. It is a way of maintaining the bond in a form that can be lived with. Death ends a life. It does not end a relationship.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Substack, 27 March 2026

Death steals the future we anticipated and hoped for, but it can't take away the relationship we had. The connection to the dead is maintained internally through our memories, which are probably the most precious gift we will ever possess

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, Introduction

Why rituals help

Rituals give grief a shape and a place to go. They make your continuing love and loss visible, both to you and to others. And there's evidence behind them:

Finding an external expression for the continuation of the relationship through regular rituals is not only important but has been shown to reduce negative emotions and increase positive ones. Over time the regularity of these rituals may decrease.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, Pillars of Strength: Relationship with the person who has died

Touchstones: ideas to try

Julia lists some of the ways people stay connected:

It may be by wearing something that connects to them, like their watch, a name band or an article of their clothing such as a scarf. Visiting their grave; creating a memory box in which you place special objects such as their glasses, or cards, or pressed flowers; assembling a photograph album; or writing to them in a journal or in the form of a letter. Cooking their favourite recipe.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, Pillars of Strength: Relationship with the person who has died

Food can be an especially powerful one:

Food is a touchstone to memory: the sight, smell, taste and touch of particular foods evoke body memories that take us directly to our past, with its associated feelings.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Every Family Has a Story

Everyday rituals

Some ideas people in our community have found meaningful:

• Morning or evening: saying good morning or goodnight to them, lighting a candle by their photo, having your coffee in their favourite mug.
• Weekly: a walk on their favourite route, playing their music while you cook, visiting their grave or the place their ashes were scattered.
• Memory box: a box for their glasses, cards, tickets, notes in their handwriting, a bottle of their perfume or aftershave.
• Memory jar: ask friends and family to write down memories on slips of paper to read on hard days.
• Photo book: an album of your life together, or of their life before you met.
• Giving back: a donation, fundraiser or volunteering for a cause they cared about.
• Growing something: a tree, a rose, their favourite plant in the garden.

On special days, Julia suggests a small, visible sign at family gatherings, like a candle and a photograph with some flowers, so the person who died is acknowledged.

Ritual can also be incredibly helpful. Across cultures, rituals give shape to what feels uncontainable. You might light a candle for the person who is missing, cook their favourite dish, or take a moment before the meal to remember them. These acts do not fix the loss, but they help us stay connected to the love that remains.

— Julia Samuel MBE, "The Empty Chair: Why Easter Can Feel So Hard", Substack, 1 April 2026

Writing to your partner

Writing is one of the most well-researched ways to express grief, and it's especially useful for everything you didn't get to say.

Writing down conflicting messages, for example, feeling both relieved and sad about a death, enables us to see what we are telling ourselves, thereby illuminating what is going on inside. Getting an accurate picture will ensure we find the right support. It is a well-researched source of self-support that has been shown to be as effective as talking therapies.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, Pillars of Strength: Relationship with oneself

Unlike talking to a friend, you don't have to protect the paper from your deepest pain or darkest thoughts. You've got the freedom to fully express yourself. You may discover words to describe what you would never have said out loud.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 17: Journaling

Julia also describes writing to the person as something that can go on over time:

I think you can write to the person that died and tell them all the things that you wished you'd said or the moments of acknowledging their presence in their life and what that meant to you. And that can be an ongoing letter that you can write in every day like a journal or write a postcard.

— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking at the Grief Works Community Get-Together "Working Through Guilt and Regret"

When rituals change

Over time, some rituals will fade and others will take their place. That doesn't mean you love them less. As Julia notes, "over time the regularity of these rituals may decrease." What stays is the bond itself.