How do I get through the first Christmas, birthday and anniversary without my partner?
Why the build-up is often worse than the day, how to plan for it, simple rituals that keep them close, and permission to do the day differently.
Written by
Nick Begley
Reviewed by
Julia Samuel MBE
In this article
Key takeaways
- For many people the build-up to a milestone day is harder than the day itself. Knowing that can take some of the dread out of it.
- Don't try to ignore the day. Plan it, ideally with the people you'll spend it with, and build in a way to leave if it becomes too much.
- Include a ritual that marks your partner, such as a candle, their favourite meal or a place you went together. Then do something that comforts you.
- You're allowed to skip Christmas this year, or do it completely differently. Just try not to spend it cut off from people who care about you.
- If a day turns out easier than you feared, or you forget the date, that isn't a sign you loved them less.
The calendar of the first year is full of these dates: their birthday, your birthday, your wedding anniversary, Valentine's Day, Christmas, New Year, and the anniversary of their death. For many people the second and third years bring these days round again with their own weight. Here's what the evidence and Julia's experience suggest can make them more bearable.
Why the build-up is so hard
The build-up to Christmas can often feel more overwhelming than the day itself. The bustle of shopping, festive adverts, and crowded spaces can intensify feelings of anxiety and grief. Give yourself permission to skip events, avoid the hustle and bustle, or take time for a quieter way to celebrate.
— Julia Samuel MBE, "Managing Christmas During Difficult Times", Substack, 20 December 2024
Julia describes the weeks before a milestone as a kind of mounting dread:
And in the first kind of few years, what I experienced with clients is the build up to milestone days. To say the anniversary of the death, which is often one of the most intense and most painful, is like Jaws music.
— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking at the Grief Works Community Get-Together "Navigating Milestones"
Our minds are very good at imagining how bad something will be, and that imagining keeps the body on alert. Often the day itself turns out to be sad but manageable, and some people feel an unexpected lightness, or deep exhaustion, afterwards.
Plan the day, don't ignore it
Trying to pretend a date isn't happening rarely works.
Like, I, I've, I've worked with people and they've tried to kind of ignore the day and then they've been blown apart by the day. So decide together how you're going to do it, what you're going to do.
— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking at the Grief Works Community Get-Together "Navigating Milestones"
At the same time, there's no single right way to mark it:
My main message is to let go of your expectations. There's no right way to mark milestones or any right way to feel. It's all about finding out what feels good to you
— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 26: Managing milestones
A plan for a milestone day
- Decide who you'll be with. Even one other person is better than facing it completely alone.
- Talk it through beforehand, ideally by phone or face to face rather than text. People in the same family often want very different things.
- Choose one way to mark your partner (see ideas below).
- Choose one thing that comforts you: a walk, a favourite meal, a film, a bath.
- Plan an exit. Drive yourself, or agree a signal. Don't put yourself somewhere you can't leave.
- Rehearse the hardest moment, such as sitting down to eat or the empty chair, and decide what you'll do when the wave comes: step outside, get a glass of water, breathe.
- Tell people what you need in advance: "Please say his name today" or "I'd rather not talk about it, just be with me."
- Plan the day after too. Many people are exhausted.
Ways to mark your partner
Rituals give grief somewhere to go. Julia notes that finding regular ways to express a continuing relationship with the person who died "has been shown to reduce negative emotions and increase positive ones".
It can be incredibly soothing to maintain a connection with the person you've lost, no matter how small the gesture. Light a candle in their memory, visit a place you shared, or wear something that reminds you of them.
— Julia Samuel MBE, "Managing Christmas During Difficult Times", Substack, 20 December 2024
Ideas from the Grief Works programme and our community:
- play their favourite song
- cook their favourite meal
- visit their grave, or a place you loved together
- make a memory box with special objects
- light a candle for them at the table
- write to them in a journal or a letter
- wear something that connects you to them
- share a photo of them with family or online
- raise a glass and ask everyone to share one memory
Your first Christmas without them
Christmas is different from other dates because everyone else is celebrating.
So it can feel like you're drowning in other people's celebrations when you're really feeling your grief, and it can intensify the loss that you're feeling already.
— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking at the Grief Works talk "Navigating the Holiday Season"
Some families find a small ritual helps them hold both the loss and the day. Julia describes one family who write a Christmas card to the person who died, read it out before the meal, and then put it to one side. The loss is acknowledged, people are tearful, and then they shift their attention to enjoying the day as best they can.
And if Christmas is simply too much this year, that's allowed:
For some of you, it might be so raw that you decide, I'm just not doing Christmas this year. And so a lot of people decide to go away or they decide to volunteer, or they decide to meet someone else who's grieving and just have a day together and make it a, you know, a no Christmas, Christmas.
— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking at the Grief Works Community Get-Together "Navigating Grief During the Holiday Season"
Julia adds one caution: don't cut yourself off from people who care about you. And watch out for the days between Christmas and New Year, which many people find the loneliest of all, with long, empty stretches and less routine. Put something in the diary for them.
If you'll be alone on the day, lower the bar. Julia's advice is to look for comfort rather than joy. "Joy might be too big an ask, it might be too high a bar." Schedule video calls, go for a walk, and let the day be what it is.
Their birthday, and your wedding anniversary
These dates can be especially lonely because other people often don't remember them. A few things people find help:
- Tell one or two people that the date is coming and ask them to check in.
- Do something they loved: their favourite walk, their team's match, their restaurant.
- Celebrate their life: a donation to a charity they cared about, planting something, a small gathering to share stories.
- On your anniversary, some people revisit where they married or re-read cards and letters; others prefer to be busy and away from home. Either is fine.
The anniversary of their death
The first anniversary can feel like the world has moved on while yours stopped a year ago. Julia puts it this way, writing for friends of bereaved people:
On those special and especially difficult days for your bereaved friend, they are likely to feel raw and in turmoil, as well as with a sense of being on the outside. It can feel to them like the world has moved on, yet their world has stopped, and stopped a year ago exactly.
— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, "How Friends and Family Can Help"
Many people also feel pressure around the first anniversary, a sense that they "should" be doing better by now. You don't have to be anywhere by a date. Grief keeps its own timetable.
If the day is easier than you expected
Equally, you might not find your milestone days difficult at all. You might even forget about them. There's no need to feel guilty about this or put pressure on yourself to feel any particular way. Everyone reacts differently and it doesn't take away from how much you loved them.
— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 26: Managing milestones
Over the years, many people find they can choose which dates they mark fully, and let others pass more lightly.
How Grief Works can help
Session 26, Managing milestones, is entirely about these days, and its practice, Planning for milestone days, walks you through the plan above: how you'll spend the day, how others can support you, and how you'll look after yourself. The tool to prepare for milestone days is designed for the week before a hard date. In our weekly small-group meet-ups, you can plan alongside others facing the same dates, and our counsellors are available by 1-to-1 chat from 9am to 9pm every day.
If you need to talk to someone now
- Samaritans: 116 123, free, day or night, including Christmas Day
- Shout: text SHOUT to 85258, free, 24/7
- Cruse Bereavement Support: 0808 808 1677
Common questions
What can I do on the anniversary of my partner's death?
Is it OK to skip Christmas after my partner died?
Why is the build-up to an anniversary worse than the day?
How we wrote and reviewed this article
This article was written by Nick Begley and reviewed for care, accuracy and tone by Julia Samuel MBE. Every quote from Julia is taken word for word from her books, the Grief Works programme, her writing or recorded sessions.
Sources
- Julia Samuel, "Managing Christmas During Difficult Times", Substack, 20 December 2024
- Julia Samuel, Grief Works (Penguin Life), "How Friends and Family Can Help"; Pillars of Strength: Relationship with the person who has died
- Julia Samuel, Grief Works programme: Session 26: Managing milestones; Practice 26: Planning for milestone days
- Grief Works Community Get-Togethers "Navigating Milestones" and "Navigating Grief During the Holiday Season"; Grief Works talk "Navigating the Holiday Season" (December 2024)
Article history
- 17 September 2026: Updated and reviewed by Julia Samuel MBE
- 30 August 2026: Published
About the authors
Written by
Nick Begley
Co-founder and Head of Research, Grief Works
Co-founder of Grief Works and former Head of Research at Headspace, a digital mental-health specialist whose tools have helped millions.
Reviewed by
Julia Samuel MBE
Psychotherapist and co-creator of Grief Works
One of the world's most respected grief psychotherapists, with over 35 years' experience. Former Vice President of the BACP, MBE for services to the bereaved, Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK, and bestselling author of Grief Works and This Too Shall Pass.
