Ask Julia: Why do grief triggers hit me out of nowhere?

A song in the supermarket, a smell, the back of a stranger's head. Grief comes in through the senses, which is why it can ambush you in the middle of an ordinary errand. What's happening, and how to use those same senses to calm yourself down.

Written by

Julia Samuel MBE

10 November 20264 min readWritten by a grief psychotherapist

Illustration: a small transistor radio on a shelf, playing, with sound spreading from its speaker

In this article

Key takeaways

Grief triggers usually come in through the senses: sight, sound, touch and smell.
They can also come through your imagination, when dreading something sets you off before it happens.
Don't fight a trigger. What you resist persists, so let it move through you.
The senses that set you off can also calm you: soothing smells, textures, sounds and tastes.
Once it has passed through, slow breathing, movement and connection with a person or a pet bring you back down.
Afterwards, think about what set it off, so you can prepare for it next time.

In one of the short talks I record for our Grief Works live sessions, I spoke about grief triggers. Triggers tend to come in through the senses: sight, sound, touch and smell. That's why they can catch you so completely off guard. You weren't thinking about the person you lost, and then a song comes on in a shop and your body knows before you do.

2 min 24 sec · Filmed Grief Works conversation

Read the full conversation

Julia: Just to remind you that triggers tend to come through our senses, sight, sound, touch and smell. But they can also come through in our imagination that if we start dreading something before it actually happens, then we can sort of trigger ourselves. So I think the main message I want to get across to you is that you can also use senses to down regulate your system. So smelling things that calm you, touching things that calm you, listening to things that calm you, tasting things like tea that calm you, so that that can be an equal part of your toolkit. But I think a trigger, what is important is that you don't fight it, you know, what you resist persists. So allow it through your system. And when it's through your system, then do the things that down regulate you, which could be breathing four and six, in for four and out for six. Using the breathing guide in the app, it can be moving your body, walking, running, punching, and then the big one is co regulation connection. So that can be with a person, it can be with a pet. So finding ways of connecting to yourself. And then I think once you're back in your kind of mind where you can use your thinking, then you can think about what the trigger was and how you may be able to prepare yourself next time. Because sometimes they can just assault you out of the blue. You're walking down the street and you see the back of something that reminds you of the trauma. But other times you can actually do some kind of preparation if you know that area or this type of people or these places or these experiences tend to trigger me. So that you have a rehearsal in your mind of what might happen and what you can do to soothe you and down regulate you.

Transcribed automatically; may contain small errors.

What is a grief trigger?

A grief trigger is a reminder, often small and unexpected, that sets off a sudden wave of grief. It might be their favourite song, the smell of their jumper, a birthday card in a shop, or a stranger with the same walk. The grief researcher Therese Rando called these STUG reactions, short for subsequent temporary upsurges of grief.

They're a normal part of grieving, and they can happen months or years after the death. A trigger doesn't mean you're going backwards. It means the love is still there, and something touched it. Most people find they become less frequent and less intense over time, even if they never disappear entirely.

Why do triggers come through the senses?

triggers tend to come through our senses, sight, sound, touch and smell. But they can also come through in our imagination
— From my answer in the video

Your senses go straight to the emotional parts of the brain, often before your thinking mind has caught up. Smell is especially powerful. In one study, memories brought back by a smell felt more emotional than the same memories prompted by a picture or a sound. That's why a single breath of a familiar scent can floor you.

Can you trigger yourself just by dreading something?

Yes, and it surprises a lot of people.

if we start dreading something before it actually happens, then we can sort of trigger ourselves.
— From my answer in the video

The weeks before an anniversary, a first Christmas or a family wedding can be harder than the day itself, because the dread does its work in advance. If that's happening to you, it can help to plan for milestone days ahead of time, so the dread has somewhere to go.

What should you do when a trigger hits?

what is important is that you don't fight it, you know, what you resist persists. So allow it through your system.
— From my answer in the video

In public the instinct is to clamp down, and clamping down is what keeps it going. If you can, step somewhere private, go to the car, or head outside, and let it come. It usually passes more quickly than you fear.

Once it has moved through you, bring yourself back down. Breathe in for four and out for six. Move your body: walk, run, or punch a cushion. And then there's the most powerful one of all.

the big one is co regulation connection. So that can be with a person, it can be with a pet.
— From my answer in the video

Being close to someone you trust settles your nervous system faster than almost anything you can do alone. In one well-known experiment, simply holding the hand of a trusted partner calmed the brain's response to a threat. A dog leaning against your legs can do something similar.

How can your senses calm you down?

Here's the part I most want people to take away.

you can also use senses to down regulate your system.
— From my answer in the video

The senses aren't only the way grief gets in. They're also one of the quickest ways to settle yourself, and they can be an equal part of your toolkit.

My one tip: build a kit for your senses

Put together a few things that calm each of your senses, so they're ready when you need them:

Smell: a hand cream, a candle or an essential oil you find soothing
Touch: a soft scarf, a smooth stone in your pocket, a warm mug to hold
Sound: a playlist or a podcast that steadies you
Taste: a cup of tea, or a mint

Keep a small version with you, in your bag or the car, for the moments that catch you out.

Can you prepare for a trigger?

Sometimes you can't. Some triggers come completely out of the blue: you're walking down the street, you see the back of someone's head, and for a second it's them.

But often there's a pattern. Certain places, certain kinds of people, certain experiences. If you know what tends to set you off, you can prepare.

you have a rehearsal in your mind of what might happen and what you can do to soothe you and down regulate you.
— From my answer in the video

That rehearsal isn't morbid. It's the difference between being knocked flat and being ready.

How Grief Works can help

In the Grief Works programme, Session 19, Soothing and relaxing, gives you more ways to calm your body when a wave hits, and Session 26, Managing milestones, helps you prepare for the days you can see coming. The programme's tools are built to bring you down from the worst of it, and they work best used regularly. Our counsellors are available by 1-to-1 chat from 9am to 9pm every day.

Learn more about the Grief Works programme

If you need to talk to someone now

Samaritans: 116 123, free, day or night
Shout: text SHOUT to 85258, free, 24/7
Cruse Bereavement Support: 0808 808 1677

Common questions

Why does a certain song make me cry since they died?

Music is closely bound up with memory and emotion, so a song linked to the person can bring the loss back in an instant. It's one of the most common grief triggers. Letting the tears come, rather than fighting them, usually helps them pass more quickly.

Do grief triggers ever stop?

They usually become less frequent and less intense over time, but many people find a reminder can still bring a wave of grief years later. That's normal, and it isn't a sign you're going backwards.

What can I do if grief hits me in public?

Step away if you can, somewhere private, to the car or outside. Breathe out slowly, in for four and out for six, and hold or smell something that calms you. If someone you trust is with you, tell them what's happening. It will pass.

How we wrote and reviewed this article

Julia Samuel MBE wrote this article from her own answer in the filmed conversation above, adding research and practical guidance. Lines marked "From my answer in the video" are her words as she spoke them.

Sources

Julia Samuel, Grief Works live session talk, "Coping with Overwhelming Emotions and Grief Triggers", September 2025 (video, 2 minutes)
T. A. Rando (1993), Treatment of Complicated Mourning
R. S. Herz (2004), "A naturalistic analysis of autobiographical memories triggered by olfactory, visual and auditory stimuli", Chemical Senses, 29(3)
J. A. Coan, H. S. Schaefer and R. J. Davidson (2006), "Lending a hand: social regulation of the neural response to threat", Psychological Science, 17(12)

Article history

10 November 2026: Published