Why does grief feel so much like fear?

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

— C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed (1961), quoted in Session 5 of the Grief Works programme

C. S. Lewis wrote that line after his wife died, and it opens Session 5 of the Grief Works programme, Soothing fear. It's there because so many people are caught off guard by it. They expected to feel sad. They didn't expect to feel permanently on edge: flinching when the phone rings, lying awake at 3am, unable to sit still.

Can grief cause anxiety?

Yes. Anxiety, restlessness and a sense of dread are a very common part of grief, and they can surprise people who have never thought of themselves as anxious. You might notice:

• feeling jumpy, flustered or easily startled
• a racing heart or a tight chest
• finding it hard to fall asleep, or waking with a jolt
• being unable to unwind, even when you're exhausted
• worrying that something bad will happen to someone else you love

None of this means you're coping badly. It's what grief does to the body, and understanding why makes it easier to manage.

Why is your body stuck on high alert?

In the programme, Julia explains that this reaction goes back a very long way.

When someone close to us dies, our bodies respond in the same way as when we are afraid.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 5: Soothing fear

For our distant ancestors, finding a family member who had died probably meant danger was close by. So the body developed an emergency setting. The brain releases cortisol, the stress hormone, your heart rate rises, and blood is pushed to your muscles so you're ready to fight or run.

That setting is designed to last minutes, not months. With grief, though, it can stay switched on for a long time, which is why so many people describe feeling constantly flustered and unable to sleep. Julia's image for it is the body "waiting for a tiger that isn't there".

This knowledge tends to bring some relief; we've not become fearful people overnight, it's a result of our body's normal reaction.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 5: Soothing fear

The neuroscientist Mary-Frances O'Connor, who studies the grieving brain, adds another piece: the brain has mapped the person you love as always being there, and it takes time and repeated experience for it to learn that they're gone. That learning is part of why grief takes the time it does.

Why does avoiding talking about death make fear worse?

There's a second kind of fear in grief, and it's about death itself. Most of us are frightened of death, and very few of us talk about it. Sometimes that's down to what psychologists call magical thinking: a sense that talking about death might somehow make it more likely.

The programme describes the trap this creates.

There's a negative cycle where the more fearful we are the less we talk, and the less we talk, the less we know, and the more the fear grows.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 5: Soothing fear

The good news is that the cycle runs both ways. As Julia puts it, "The more we know about death, the less we fear it." Talking about what happened, asking the questions you've been holding in, and naming your fears out loud all tend to shrink them.

The same is true for children. The instinct is to protect them from the truth, but the truth is usually less frightening than what they imagine. Our guide to telling children that a parent has died covers this in more detail.

How do you calm your body when grief makes you anxious?

Your body won't stand down just because you tell it to. The programme is clear about what it needs.

It will only switch this off once it's convinced you're not under threat.

— Grief Works programme, Practice 5: Calming breathing

So the aim is to send your body messages of safety. Reassurance on its own rarely does it. Your body responds to what you do.

Slow breathing has good evidence behind it. A review of slow-breathing studies found that breathing at under ten breaths a minute, which a four-in, six-out rhythm gives you, was linked to more relaxation and less anxiety. As the programme notes, relaxation exercises tend to become more effective with practice, so don't be put off if it feels hard at first. The NHS has a simple breathing exercise for stress you can follow too.

When should you get help with anxiety after a loss?

Feeling anxious in grief is normal, but it shouldn't take over your life. Speak to your GP if anxiety is stopping you eating, sleeping or leaving the house, if you're having panic attacks, or if it isn't easing after several months. If you ever have chest pain or trouble breathing, get medical help straight away rather than assuming it's grief.