Can't sleep since your partner died? A practical guide to grief and sleep

Why grief wrecks sleep, what to do about the empty side of the bed, and a step-by-step plan for the 3am wake-ups.

Written by

Nick Begley

Reviewed by

Julia Samuel MBE
Updated 6 min readReviewed for care and accuracy
Illustration: a bedside alarm clock reading 3:04 beside a half-drunk glass of water
In this article

Key takeaways

  • Grief keeps stress hormones high, which makes it hard to fall asleep and easy to wake. It's a body response, not a lack of willpower.
  • The single most effective habit is getting up at the same time every day, even after a bad night.
  • Make a plan for waking in the night before it happens: breathe, write the worry down, change rooms if you need to, and avoid scrolling.
  • The empty side of the bed is one of the hardest reminders. Small changes to the bedroom are allowed, and so is keeping everything as it was.
  • Talk to your GP before relying on sleeping pills, and ask about CBT for insomnia if poor sleep lasts.
If you can't sleep since your partner died, you are very far from alone. Grief floods the body with adrenaline and cortisol, and it removes the familiar cues that used to tell you it was time to rest, including the person beside you. The most reliable fix isn't a remedy at bedtime but a routine: a fixed getting-up time, daylight and movement in the morning, a calm wind-down, and a plan for the moments you wake.

Sleep is one of the most-asked-about topics in our community, and it's one where small, consistent changes make a measurable difference. None of this will make grief go away. It can make the nights more bearable.

Why grief ruins sleep

Neuroscientist Mary-Frances O'Connor describes the period after a death as "a perfect storm that dysregulates all the systems that control our sleep". Stress hormones keep you alert, and the everyday signals your body uses to wind down are disrupted. For bereaved partners, bedtime can be the worst of it: the warmth, the sounds and the presence of the person you slept beside were part of how your body knew it was safe to sleep.

Julia describes the same state in the Grief Works programme:

You may recognise this state of being constantly flustered and jumpy, unable to sleep and unwind. The body keeps us on edge, waiting for a tiger that isn't there!

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 5: Soothing fear

Step 1: Anchor your mornings

How to do it

  1. Choose a getting-up time you can keep seven days a week, and set an alarm.
  2. Get up at that time even after a bad night. O'Connor calls a consistent waking time "the most powerful" of the cues that set the body clock.
  3. Get daylight within an hour of waking: open the curtains, stand at the door, or walk to the end of the road.
  4. Move early. A short walk or stretch helps discharge stress hormones, and daytime activity supports night-time sleep.
  5. Avoid long daytime naps. If you must, keep it under 30 minutes and before mid-afternoon.

Keep to a regular bedtime and getting-up time.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 20: A structure of good habits

Step 2: Build an evening wind-down

Aim for the last hour before bed to be predictable and calm. Your body learns routines, and a repeated sequence becomes a signal in itself.

  • Cut caffeine after lunch and go easy on alcohol. Alcohol can help you fall asleep but tends to break sleep up later in the night. In Grief Works, Julia recommends eating regularly, "without great spikes of sugar, coffee or alcohol, which cause the body to peak, then crash".
  • Dim the lights and put screens away 30 minutes before bed.
  • Write down what's on your mind. A short list of worries, things to do tomorrow and things you want to say to them gets it out of your head and onto paper.
  • Do something soothing: a bath, a familiar book, an audio story, slow breathing.

Being able to soothe your emotions is a fundamental life skill. Soothing activities are a way of reassuring your body and mind that you're safe and okay.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 19: Soothing and relaxing

Step 3: The empty side of the bed

There's no right answer here, only what helps you. Some people find comfort in keeping everything exactly as it was. Others find the bed unbearable and need to change something. Both are allowed, and you can change your mind.

Things people find help:

  • Sleeping on their side of the bed, or in the middle.
  • Keeping their pillow, or a jumper that smells of them, close by.
  • Adding weight and warmth: an extra blanket, a hot water bottle.
  • Changing the room a little: moving the bed, new bedding, a lamp on their side.
  • Sleeping somewhere else for a while, if the bedroom is too hard. This is a temporary adjustment, not a failure.

Step 4: A plan for waking at 3am

Most bereaved people wake in the night. Having a plan means you're not deciding what to do while your mind is racing.

When you wake in the night

  1. Don't reach for your phone. Scrolling wakes your brain up, and grief content at 3am is rarely kind.
  2. Breathe slowly: in for four, out for six or seven, for two or three minutes.
  3. If thoughts are looping, write them down on the pad by your bed, then turn the pad over.
  4. If you're still awake after about 20 minutes, get up. Go somewhere dim and warm, listen to an audio story or read something familiar, and go back to bed when you feel sleepy.
  5. If a wave of grief comes, let it. Crying in the night is not a setback. Put a hand on your chest, breathe, and let it pass through.
  6. Keep to your getting-up time in the morning anyway.

Sleeping pills, dreams and when to see your GP

Sleeping pills. Always talk to your GP. O'Connor notes evidence that sleeping pills "do not help grief and make the sleep of bereaved people worse over time", and that cognitive behavioural therapy for insomnia (CBT-I) has fewer side effects. Your GP can advise on what's right for you and on CBT-I options.

Dreams. Vivid dreams about your partner are very common. Some are comforting; some, especially after a sudden death, are distressing. If dreams or flashbacks are frequent and frightening beyond the first six weeks or so, mention it to your GP.

See your GP if poor sleep lasts more than a few weeks and is affecting your ability to function, if you're relying on alcohol to sleep, or if you have thoughts of harming yourself. In that case, please also call Samaritans on 116 123, free, day or night.

O'Connor also offers a reassurance worth holding on to: even when grieving people sleep less overall, "we get all of the parts of sleep we need". And try not to turn sleep into one more thing you're failing at. Julia puts it well:

It's about learning to trust your body again, letting go of perfection, and remembering that one bad night doesn't undo your wellbeing.

— Julia Samuel MBE, "When Sleep Becomes Another Thing to Worry About", Substack, 2 February 2026

How Grief Works can help

The Evening calm tools in the Grief Works programme were made for the hardest hours: a worry journal before bed, sleep meditations such as Breathing into sleep and Deep relaxation into sleep, and sleep stories you can play when you wake. Session 20, A structure of good habits, helps you build the daily routine that supports sleep, and Session 5, Soothing fear, explains why your body is on alert. Our counsellors are available by 1-to-1 chat from 9am to 9pm, and the programme's tools are there 24/7.

Learn more about the Grief Works programme

If you need to talk to someone now

Common questions

Why can't I sleep since my partner died?

Grief keeps stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol high, and it removes the familiar cues that tell your body it's time to rest, including the person beside you. Sleep problems are very common after a bereavement.

What helps insomnia when you're grieving?

Get up at the same time every day, get daylight and some movement in the morning, keep a calm routine before bed, and have a plan for waking at night that doesn't involve your phone. If poor sleep lasts, ask your GP about CBT for insomnia.

Should I take sleeping pills after a bereavement?

Talk to your GP first. Research described by neuroscientist Mary-Frances O'Connor suggests sleeping pills don't help grief and can make bereaved people's sleep worse over time.

How we wrote and reviewed this article

This article was written by Nick Begley and reviewed for care, accuracy and tone by Julia Samuel MBE. Every quote from Julia is taken word for word from her books, the Grief Works programme, her writing or recorded sessions.

Sources

  • Mary-Frances O'Connor, The Grieving Brain (HarperOne, 2022), Ch. 9 (Insomnia)
  • Julia Samuel, Grief Works (Penguin Life), Pillars of Strength: Mind and body
  • Julia Samuel, Grief Works programme: Session 5: Soothing fear; Session 19: Soothing and relaxing; Session 20: A structure of good habits; Evening calm tools

Article history

  • 17 September 2026: Updated and reviewed by Julia Samuel MBE
  • 27 August 2026: Published

About the authors

Written by

Nick Begley

Co-founder and Head of Research, Grief Works

Co-founder of Grief Works and former Head of Research at Headspace, a digital mental-health specialist whose tools have helped millions.

Reviewed by

Julia Samuel MBE

Psychotherapist and co-creator of Grief Works

One of the world's most respected grief psychotherapists, with over 35 years' experience. Former Vice President of the BACP, MBE for services to the bereaved, Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK, and bestselling author of Grief Works and This Too Shall Pass.

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