How do I cope after losing my husband, wife or partner? What helps in the first weeks

People sometimes come to us in these early weeks worried that they're not coping, or that they're coping too well. Both are common. Grief in the first weeks is less a feeling than a whole-body state, and it can change hour to hour.

Few events are as painful as the death of a partner. It is the death of the dream of the imagined future, as well as the couple's current life together.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, "When a Partner Dies"

What's happening to me?

The Grief Works programme opens with a list many people find a relief to read:

It's normal to experience a messy mix of feelings including numbness, anxiety, sadness, anger, exhaustion, loneliness, guilt and being overwhelmed. You might feel like you're not yourself and that things are out of control.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 1: Grief does work

You may also find the reality of the death arrives in small, unexpected moments rather than all at once. Julia described it in a Grief Works session on the death of a partner:

Small moments like waking up in the morning and seeing that your partner isn't in your bed or kind of going to the supermarket and buying something for one rather than two or going to, you know, or the sound of a piece of music that you get these waves and hits of loss.

— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking at the Grief Works Community Get-Together "Death of a Partner"

From a research point of view, that makes sense. Your brain has spent years learning that your partner is part of every day. It doesn't update overnight, so each ordinary moment becomes a small, painful lesson that they're not there.

What helps in the first weeks

Julia's core advice about coping is not to force yourself through the pain constantly, nor to avoid it, but to move between the two:

Coping with grief doesn't involve immersion theory; rather, it is enduring the pain as it hits us (this often feels like a storm crashing over us), and then having a break from it through distraction, busyness and doing the things that comfort and soothe us.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, "The Paradox of Grief"

Take it one day, or one hour, at a time

When the future looks unbearable, shrink it.

Our relationship with time feels changed: the future can look daunting and there can be a longing to return to the past. The best we can do is to keep our outlook short, with attention focused on each day and on each week.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, Pillars of Strength: Time

Some days that means getting to lunchtime. Some days it means getting through the next half hour. Both are real achievements in these weeks.

"I can't stop crying since my partner died"

Crying a lot in the early weeks is normal and healthy, even when it feels like it will never stop.

Expressing sadness can be hard, especially for men. There's a taboo that sadness is weak, but this isn't the case. Crying is our body's natural way of expressing sadness. It's important and cathartic. Try to listen to your body and let the sadness out.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 8: Coping with sadness

Tears can also come out of nowhere, over tiny things. Julia explains why:

Sometimes you might find yourself wanting to sob after breaking a plate or forgetting to charge your phone. Of course, you're not actually devastated about broken crockery or a low phone battery. Your body is hijacking a minor inconvenience to tell you that it wants to express its sadness.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 8: Coping with sadness

And there is some comfort in what often happens afterwards:

And as difficult as this is now, because if you're in the early stages of grief, it never feels better. But I really do know that when people allow these intense waves through their system, they often feel lighter afterwards. They often feel in some way released.

— Julia Samuel MBE, speaking in the Grief Works talk "Coping with Overwhelming Emotions"

If you can, cry with someone. Julia writes that when tears are shared, "our nervous systems begin to calm. The pain does not vanish; but it becomes more bearable." Speak to your GP if, after several weeks, you can't eat, sleep or manage basic tasks at all, and call Samaritans on 116 123 at any time if you feel you can't keep yourself safe.

You can't do this alone, and you don't have to

The first weeks are often full of people, and then, quite suddenly, they aren't. Try to keep a few people close for the long haul, and let them know what helps.

Grief requires the commitment of regularly doing things that help us, physically and emotionally. This may seem impossible in the first weeks and months of grief for some, while for others it will be a welcome focus.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, "What Helps"

If the practical things feel impossible right now, that's all right. Start with one. The rest can follow.

If you've lost your fiancé or a partner you weren't married to

Your grief is just as real. Some people find that others, or official systems, don't recognise the relationship in the same way. You may not be the one making decisions about the funeral, or you may be missed out of conversations. That can add a painful layer of isolation. Tell the people close to you what the relationship meant and what you need. On practical matters, your rights can differ from a spouse's: check our guides to money and to work, and get advice early if you share a home.