How to give your days a shape again when grief has taken it away
Why the days feel so empty after a partner dies, why a little structure helps your nervous system, and a simple way to build a day you can actually get through.
Written by
Nick Begley
Reviewed by
Julia Samuel MBE
In this article
Key takeaways
- Losing a partner often means losing the shape of your days: shared meals, conversations, routines and, for many, the structure of caring.
- A light structure helps because the nervous system settles with predictability, and doing a little breaks the cycle where feeling hopeless leads to doing less.
- Build your day around a few fixed anchors: a getting-up time, moving first thing, one small task, time to remember, one soothing thing, some contact with another person, and a regular bedtime.
- Keep your horizon short. Plan today, or this afternoon, not the next six months.
- Keep it flexible. Structure is scaffolding, not a test you can fail.
Of all the practical questions we're asked, "how do I get through the day?" may be the most common. Weekday mornings, Sunday afternoons and the hour when they used to come home are named again and again. For people who were carers, the change can be even starker: a diary full of appointments and medication times empties overnight.
Why the days feel so hard
Part of it is exhaustion. Part of it is that nothing seems worth doing without the person you did it with. Julia explains in the programme how easily that becomes a loop:
Futility can create a vicious cycle where the more hopeless we feel, the less we do, and the more the hopelessness grows. It sounds simple, but the most effective way to counter this inactivity is with activity.
— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 10: From futility to hopefulness
The key word is simple. The activity doesn't have to be meaningful or enjoyable at first. It just has to be doable.
Why a little structure helps
Grief is disorienting partly because so much has become unpredictable. Routines give the body back a sense of order. Julia has described it like this:
In the chaos of grief we can feel as if our world has tilted off its axis. It can therefore help to build a pillar of structure, although with some flexibility within it, as too much controlling behaviour can be counterproductive.
— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works, Pillars of Strength: Structure
And in This Too Shall Pass:
Structure helps to stabilize us and gives us a foundation on which to stand when our world feels shaky.
— Julia Samuel MBE, This Too Shall Pass, The 8 Pillars of Strength: Structure
From a research point of view this makes sense. Regular sleep, light, movement and mealtimes all help to steady the stress response, and repeated routines take fewer decisions, which matters when grief has already used up so much of your mental energy.
How to build a day you can get through
The daily anchors
- Get up at the same time. Even after a bad night. It's the single most powerful signal to your body clock.
- Move first thing. A ten-minute walk outside, some stretches, or dancing in the kitchen. Movement uses up stress hormones and gives energy back.
- Eat at regular times, even if it's small and plain.
- Do one small task. Empty the dishwasher. Answer one email. Water the plants. Then notice you did it.
- Set aside time to remember. Ten or twenty minutes to look at photos, write to them, or simply sit with the grief, so it isn't only ambushing you.
- Do one soothing thing. A bath, a favourite programme, music, a cup of tea in the garden.
- Have some contact with another person. A call, a text exchange, a walk with a neighbour.
- Wind down and go to bed at a regular time.
You don't need all eight on day one. Choose two or three and build from there. In Grief Works, Julia notes that it takes about six weeks for a good habit to become habitual, so be patient with yourself.
Keep your horizon short
When grief is at its heaviest, thinking about next month, let alone next year, can be overwhelming. The programme suggests shrinking the time frame:
Remember that grieving takes time and energy. Keep your outlook short and your mental to-do list manageable.
— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme
Some days that means planning the whole day. Some days it means planning the next hour. Both count.
Notice the small things
It's easy to measure a day by what you didn't do. Try reversing it. At the end of each day, write down two or three things you managed, however small, and one thing you're looking forward to tomorrow.
Break the cycle of hopelessness and inactivity by gradually building up more activities into your life and focusing on your small achievements and the little things you're looking forward to.
— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme
The hardest times of the week
Most people have particular pressure points: the evenings, the weekends, the time they used to come in from work. Plan for these specifically.
A plan for the empty evening or weekend
- Name your hardest time of day and of the week.
- Put one fixed thing in it: a regular phone call, a class, a walk with a friend, a programme you always watch.
- Change the setting: eat in a different room, go out for an hour, sit in the garden.
- Have a "wave plan" for if grief hits: breathe slowly, call someone on your list, or let yourself cry and then do your soothing thing.
- Book something ahead for Sunday, so the weekend has a point to aim for.
When the structure slips
Some days you'll stay in bed, skip the walk and eat toast for dinner. That isn't failure. Grief keeps its own timetable, and structure is scaffolding, not a rulebook. Pick it up again tomorrow, starting with the getting-up time.
How Grief Works can help
Session 20, A structure of good habits, walks you through building your own daily routine, and Session 10, From futility to hopefulness, helps break the cycle of doing less and feeling worse. The programme's Get moving tools, self-care and get something done tools make the anchors easier to keep, and the daily live morning session gives a shapeless day a fixed start. Our counsellors are available by 1-to-1 chat from 9am to 9pm every day.
If you need to talk to someone now
- Cruse Bereavement Support: 0808 808 1677
- Samaritans: 116 123, free, day or night
- Shout: text SHOUT to 85258, free, 24/7
Common questions
How do I get through the day after my partner died?
Why does routine help with grief?
What if I can't stick to a routine?
How we wrote and reviewed this article
This article was written by Nick Begley and reviewed for care, accuracy and tone by Julia Samuel MBE. Every quote from Julia is taken word for word from her books, the Grief Works programme, her writing or recorded sessions.
Sources
- Julia Samuel, Grief Works (Penguin Life), Pillars of Strength: Structure
- Julia Samuel, This Too Shall Pass (Penguin Life), The 8 Pillars of Strength: Structure
- Julia Samuel, Grief Works programme: Session 10: From futility to hopefulness; Session 16 recap; Session 20: A structure of good habits
Article history
- 17 September 2026: Updated and reviewed by Julia Samuel MBE
- 30 July 2026: Published
About the authors
Written by
Nick Begley
Co-founder and Head of Research, Grief Works
Co-founder of Grief Works and former Head of Research at Headspace, a digital mental-health specialist whose tools have helped millions.
Reviewed by
Julia Samuel MBE
Psychotherapist and co-creator of Grief Works
One of the world's most respected grief psychotherapists, with over 35 years' experience. Former Vice President of the BACP, MBE for services to the bereaved, Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK, and bestselling author of Grief Works and This Too Shall Pass.
