Autumn equinox: why do dark evenings feel so much harder since my partner died?

Next Wednesday the nights overtake the days, and on 25 October the clocks go back. For anyone grieving a partner, the hours after dark are often the hardest. Why, and how to plan evenings that hold you through the autumn.

Written by

Nick Begley

Reviewed by

Julia Samuel MBE
4 min readReviewed for care and accuracy
Illustration: a lamp casting a pool of light over reading glasses and an autumn leaf on a table
In this article

Key takeaways

  • Evenings are often the hardest part of the day after a partner dies, because that's when the two of you were together, and when the day's structure runs out.
  • Autumn makes it harder. The equinox falls on 23 September, and the clocks go back on 25 October, when it will be dark before 5pm in much of the UK.
  • Less daylight can lower mood and unsettle sleep for anyone. Grief adds to that.
  • The most useful thing you can do is plan the evening in advance, the way you'd plan a hard day.
  • Build in something soothing, some time with your partner's memory, and one point of contact with another person.
Next Wednesday, 23 September, is the autumn equinox. From that night on, darkness in the UK lasts longer than daylight, and it keeps growing until December. Then on Sunday 25 October the clocks go back, and in much of the country it will be dark before 5pm.

For most people that means putting the heating on and digging out a jumper. If your partner has died, it can mean something much harder. The hours between getting home and going to bed were usually the hours you shared: cooking, eating, talking about the day, sitting on the sofa. Those are the hours when the absence is loudest, and this autumn they're getting longer and darker. If evenings have become the worst part of your day, you're far from alone, and there's a lot you can do before the clocks change.

Why the evening hits so hard

In the daytime there is usually something to do, somewhere to be, someone to see. By early evening the structure of the day has run out, and there's nobody to tell about it. Many people describe the moment they turn the key in the front door as the worst moment of the day.

Darkness plays a part too. The NHS explains that reduced daylight in winter is thought to affect the brain chemicals melatonin and serotonin, which help regulate mood and sleep. That's why some people develop seasonal affective disorder. You don't need to have SAD for shorter days to weigh on you, and when you're already grieving, there's less in reserve to absorb it.

Plan the evening, not just the day

In Session 20 of the Grief Works programme, Julia explains why structure matters so much in grief. When everything feels pointless and exhausting, a plan does some of the work for you.

Having a routine makes it easier to get out of the house and do the things which help us to heal and adjust.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 20: A structure of good habits

Most people plan their days. Very few plan their evenings, and so the evening becomes the stretch of time where grief fills every gap. Deciding in advance what the hours after dark will hold is one of the simplest, most effective things you can do this autumn.

Soothing, not numbing

Part of that plan should be something that comforts you. Julia is clear that this isn't indulgence.

Being able to soothe your emotions is a fundamental life skill. Soothing activities are a way of reassuring your body and mind that you're safe and okay.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 19: Soothing and relaxing

The difference that matters is the intention behind it. A bath, a favourite programme or a phone call with a friend can leave you feeling restored. A bottle of wine, hours of scrolling or working late at the kitchen table can numb the evening without helping. In Session 13, Julia puts it simply: "Often it is the things we do to avoid pain that harm us the most."

It's also healthy to spend some of the evening with your grief rather than holding it off all night. Julia describes grief as jumping in and out of puddles:

it's okay to be in a puddle of deep pain and then to jump out into everyday life, and so on.

— Julia Samuel MBE, Grief Works programme, Session 19: Soothing and relaxing

How to plan your evenings before the clocks go back

  1. Get daylight while there is some. A walk at lunchtime, or twenty minutes outside in the afternoon. The NHS recommends going outside in the daytime every day.
  2. Decide what happens from 5pm. Write it down the day before: what you'll eat, what you'll do, who you'll speak to.
  3. Change the moment you get home. Put the lamps on before you leave, have the radio or a podcast ready, or sit somewhere different from where you used to sit together.
  4. Book one point of contact. A call with a friend at 7pm, a neighbour for tea on Thursdays, or an online group.
  5. Choose one soothing thing, something you know leaves you feeling better afterwards.
  6. Give your partner ten minutes. Look at photographs, write to them, or play the song. Then step back out of the puddle.
  7. Set a bedtime and keep it. Screens down half an hour before, and keep alcohol out of the routine.

When to get more support

Low mood that settles in with the dark months and doesn't lift, or that stops you doing everyday things, is worth talking to your GP about. Treatments for seasonal low mood include light therapy and talking therapies. And if the evenings feel unbearable, reach out tonight rather than waiting for the morning.

How Grief Works can help

Session 19, Soothing and relaxing, helps you find what genuinely comforts you, with a safe space visualisation. Session 20, A structure of good habits, walks you through planning a week, evenings included. The Evening calm tools include a worry journal before bed, sleep meditations and sleep stories. Our counsellors are available by 1-to-1 chat from 9am to 9pm every day.

Learn more about the Grief Works programme

If you need to talk to someone now

Common questions

Why is grief worse in the evening?

Evenings are often when couples spent time together, so the absence is felt most sharply then. The day's structure also runs out, and tiredness makes feelings harder to manage. Planning the evening in advance helps.

Does the clocks going back make grief harder?

It can. When the clocks go back on 25 October, darkness arrives an hour earlier in the evening, which lengthens the lonely part of the day. Reduced daylight can also affect mood and sleep, so getting outside in daylight every day helps.

What can I do in the evenings when I'm alone after my partner died?

Plan the evening the day before. Include one soothing activity, a short time to remember your partner, one contact with another person, and a regular bedtime. Avoid relying on alcohol or screens to get through it.

How we wrote and reviewed this article

This article was written by Nick Begley and reviewed for care, accuracy and tone by Julia Samuel MBE. Every quote from Julia is taken word for word from her books, the Grief Works programme, her writing or recorded sessions.

Sources

Article history

  • 17 September 2026: Published

About the authors

Written by

Nick Begley

Co-founder and Head of Research, Grief Works

Co-founder of Grief Works and former Head of Research at Headspace, a digital mental-health specialist whose tools have helped millions.

Reviewed by

Julia Samuel MBE

Psychotherapist and co-creator of Grief Works

One of the world's most respected grief psychotherapists, with over 35 years' experience. Former Vice President of the BACP, MBE for services to the bereaved, Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK, and bestselling author of Grief Works and This Too Shall Pass.

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