Ask Julia: Why do I feel so lonely since they died?

With Christmas and the new year coming, that feeling can be at its sharpest. So it's worth understanding what's happening, and what helps.

Why is loneliness so common in grief?

Grief is very kind of chilly internally because there's this space where the person that you love is no longer physically present and that wanting them and missing them feels so lonely.

— From my answer in the video

When someone close to you dies, you lose the person you'd naturally turn to when things are hard. If it was your partner, you've lost the person who knew the shape of your days, who you'd tell about the small things. That absence is there all the time, not just at the big moments.

Why can you feel lonely in a room full of people?

even if you're in a room full of people, you can feel isolated and lonely because the one person you want to be there is not there.

— From my answer in the video

This is why well-meant advice to "get out more" can miss the point. Your friends and family matter enormously, but they aren't the missing piece, and it isn't a failure on your part or theirs that being with them doesn't fill the gap.

Why does loneliness come with shame?

I find it helps to think of loneliness in a particular way.

loneliness is like a signal, like hunger that tells you I miss my person

— From my answer in the video

Treat it as information, not a verdict. It's your mind telling you how much you miss them. Researchers describe it in much the same terms. The psychologist John Cacioppo, who spent decades studying loneliness, argued that it evolved as a warning signal, much like hunger or thirst, to nudge us back towards other people.

But loneliness often comes wrapped in shame, and shame is what turns a painful feeling into a private one. Don't let yourself conclude that there's something wrong with you, or that you're not doing grief right. Being lonely and missing the person who died is a big part of grief. It's the reality, not a sign you're getting it wrong.

Why does pulling away make loneliness worse?

There's a negative cycle that's easy to fall into and hard to see from the inside. You feel disconnected, so you disconnect from yourself, and then you pull away from other people. The messages start: you find yourself waiting for people to reach out, or angry with them because they haven't. That anger may well be legitimate. People do drift away, and it hurts.

But withdrawing becomes self-fulfilling.

The more you withdraw, the more lonely you feel.

— From my answer in the video

It also matters for your health. Long-term isolation is linked with poorer physical health, which is one more reason to take loneliness seriously, and to be kind to yourself about it rather than ashamed.

What actually helps with loneliness after a death?

the more you want to withdraw, that's the signal to tell yourself, no, no, no, I mustn't withdraw. I need to make a step forward to connect.

— From my answer in the video

It's counterintuitive and it's hard, which is exactly why it's worth deciding in advance. The urge to pull back isn't a reliable guide. Treat it as the prompt to do the opposite. That doesn't mean a full social life. It means one small step: a text, a phone call, saying yes to one invitation.

Why does slowing down help you connect?

the physiology of grief is that it takes us to a heightened state where we often feel very frightened and we disconnect.

— From my answer in the video

So the other thing to do when you're lonely, as counterintuitive as it sounds, is to slow yourself down first. Use slow breathing, go for a walk, try yoga or dance, anything that settles your system. When you feel more connected to yourself, connecting with someone else becomes possible. If you try to reach out while you're in a heightened, on-edge state, it's very hard to really reach them. We've written more about why grief puts your body on high alert.